Florida-1, Ordale-0

I would like to take this time to extend a very sincere and heartfelt "Kiss My Ass" to the entire state of Florida. This doesn't apply to the people of Florida. I'm actually talking about the land mass that lies south of Georgia.

(He's lost his mind.)

No I haven't. Maybe I have. I don't know. All I know is that two years ago I helped a woman push out an eight pound baby--a traumatic experience for which I've yet to receive the proper counseling--and I'm tired. I've been working at Daddy Co. for two years now and I've only had one day off.

How this place keeps running without OSHA coming in and shutting it down is a mystery to me. Overtime pay? I don't get regular pay. No breaks, no paid time off, no holidays. A year ago I caught a bug and had to spend a night in the hospital and the kid found me there. It's like the movie, "The Ring." My wife took a pregnancy test, someone from the doctors office called with the results and whispered "nine months" through the phone and from that day forward I've been running from a little girl with dark hair who crawls on the floor from time to time.

So what does any of this rant have to do with Florida? A few weeks ago I wrote a post making fun of Florida for having zombies and a Black guy who thought he found the fire flower from Super Mario Bros. Apparently, Florida took offense and vowed to get even. I FINALLY planned my first vacation in over four years and it was to be a grand ol' time. I was celebrating not only my 30th birthday but the magic of five baby-free days.

I was gonna ball outta control. I'm talking:

• Sleeping until I want to wake up and not having to get up just because a mini-person feels entitled to breakfast every single day.


• Eating my food while it's still hot instead of having to break down the meal into bite sized "I want you to live" chunks.


• Leaving sharp/expensive/breakable items within 36 inches of the floor and not worrying about someone getting to it.

You thought The Hangover was wild. I was gonna do it big.

So what happened?

Florida got its revenge. Tropical Storm Debby is coming through on the exact day I was supposed to go. So far they've had water spouts and tornadoes. Half the places I planned to go are flooded or closed and it hasn't even made landfall yet. So, to Florida, I say this: Cute. Real frakking cute.