Children's Story

Once upon time not long ago,

I was riding the 90 bus home. For you home-gamers playing from out of town, the 90 bus goes to Anacostia, which would be the part of Mufasa's kingdom where the light doesn't touch and therefore Simba mustn't go. During rush hour the conditions on that bus mirror the Middle Passage. It used to be so packed that people used to sit underneath the seats.

So anyway, there I was riding in bondage on my way to the forgotten world. I was sitting in the back because, at that age, the concept of Rosa Parks was still lost on me when this dude in a puffy coat got on. His man in the back whistled or cooed or clucked...I don't know what word describes the hood noise that people make to get someone's attention, but you know what I'm talking about. After he finished arguing with the bus driver about his transfer he made his way to the back. Now this was back when DC buses still gave out transfers and people used to A) hand them out the window to a friend waiting to get on or B) paste/tape/hold real tight two transfers together to make it look like it was valid.

So anyway, the dude got on and then somehow squeezed his way through all those people to get to the back where his friend was standing. Normally people would curse you out for doing that, but let's just say that this dude had the kinda face that opened doors (and pockets and wallets) that would otherwise be closed to the average person. It was a look that you were just too afraid to say no to. He made his way to the back and they started talking real loud about some ignorant deed that happened a couple of days before. To write it verbatim is too much for even my potty mouth, so let's just say that they were chilling out, maxin, relaxing all cool while shooting some b-ball outside of the school when a couple of guys who were up to no good started makin trouble in their neighborhood.

So about two stops later, what happens? A guy gets on and what do these two dudes say? "Oh shit, that's that nigga right there!" Now everybody in the back of the bus already heard what they were gonna do if they ever ran into the dudes again, so when we all discover that one of them is on the bus alone, our hearts immediately go out to him. None of us are gonna say anything, as a matter of fact if the police are asking I don't even remember being on a bus that day. For all I can remember, it was black history month and I was trying to honor Dr. King by walking across the 11th Street Bridge.

The survivalist and military strategist in me starts thinking, "Please take your ignorant shit up off this bus. Please don't let that dude look or come back here." What happens? Dude looks toward the back to see if there's any space because all black people are magically drawn to the back of the bus. He doesn't see Thing 1 and Thing 2 in the back so he forces his way to the back. Then he sees them. They exchange glances at first while me and this older black lady sitting across from me do the same thing. She hangs her head as if to say "Here we go."

Thing 1 says "What the fuck you looking at?"
Thing 2 adds, "Bitch ass nigga."
New guy says, "What, nigga? Come say that shit in my face."
Thing 1: You a bitch. I'll fuck your ass up.
New guy: Step off this bus motherfucker. Let's see if you talk all that shit then.
Me (internally): Yeah step off this bus.

At this point I'm working on an exit strategy. The bus was in motion and again, for the out of towners, bus drivers stay out of conflict. Unless you're messing with them, they don't see nothing. So my plan was to keep these three separated using only the power of my mind. As long as there were about five people between them, I had a 70% chance of all five of them getting shot before I did.

Then the big dude sitting next to me rang the bell, got up and got off.

Me (internally): Bitch ass nigga. You were my backup body shield. Fuck!
Old lady sitting across from me (speaking to me telepathically): Bitch ass nigga. He was gonna be MY body shield.
Thing 2: We aint gotta step off the bus, nigga! Aint nothing but space and opportunity.
Me (internally): There's a lot more space off the bus.

So now my plan has shifted to pulling that little red lever on the window and jumping out, but only if they start shooting. I'm preparing myself mentally to tuck and roll on the way down. I figure there are enough empty packs of Newport and Chicken Wing styrofoam trays on any southeast street to cushion my fall.

New guy says, "Fuck it then. Let's go. What you wanna do. I'll light this whole motherfucking bus up!"
Thing 2 reaches into his puffy coat and says "You aint the only one nigga."

The bus driver is now looking up in the mirror and I see his hand motioning toward the thing that opens the door which tells me that he's planning to jump out himself. The old lady holds her bag up as if it's made out of Kevlar.

New guy starts walking to the back with his hand in his coat
Thing 2 walks toward new guy
I realize that the fucking lever is broke on the window and then

These two niggas pull their hands out of their coats, give each other dap and start laughing. One of them looks around the bus and says, "Yall were scared like shit weren't yall. You see ya man get up and get off the bus and shit." I'm thinking to myself, "Fuck yall!" Then one of them says, "Yall just as bad as them white folks. Just because two niggas start beefing you assume they gonna light the bus up and shit." (Yeah, right. Racial profiling.)

So the old lady promptly starts cursing them out and they explain that they're in some drama program and do this just to mess with people on the bus. "Yo let's hop on the 92!" They get off and I guess they go do the same ignorant shit on the 92.