I've Got A Big Ego

I went up to my old elementary school yesterday with my daughter. I don't really know why. Even though I know there's a lottery, I just wanted to go up there to get a head start. I saw one of my old teachers who introduced me to some of the new faces as "one of the most intelligent minds to ever come out of this school." I was very flattered and at the same time I felt this sense of agreement, like "Yep, I sure am."

I can't write something like that and have you believe this next statement: I'm not egotistical. I really wish I had some evidence to support that, but you're just gonna have to take my word for it. Still, yeah I was pretty damned smart as a kid. The problem was that back then I knew I was smart. I was more surprised that she said it than anything else. This was the same woman who led the safety patrols and gave us a lecture one day about something. Whatever it was, she was right. I just remember her saying, "...and if you don't like it then you can leave." I took my patrol belt off, folded it up, handed it to her and walked right out without saying a word. It was fourth grade by the way.

I remember getting answers right in class and then standing up, patting myself on the back while simultaneously taking a bow. Teachers learned quick not to say "Well if you think you know everything then come up here and teach the class" because my indignant ass would walk right up there with the book and start trying to teach. How none of my teachers ever pulled a pistol on me remains one of life's great mysteries. I was an asshole as a kid, but they really couldn't do anything to me. I did my work, I got straight A's and I never went far enough to warrant any disciplinary action. Sure, I got banned from all of my classes in 5th grade, but even with me sitting in homeroom all day for a few months, I still aced the standardized tests. And yeah, maybe I did tell a certain teacher that they were in no position to judge me considering they couldn't teach without the teacher's guide, but those were love taps compared to the bastard I could've been.

I don't know how those people put up with me, but I want to take this time to apologize to each and every one of them. I can't explain how they did it, nor can I explain what changed in me. Perhaps it had to do with going to junior high where the stakes were a little higher, home a little too far away to run and hormones shifting my focus from school to girls. All I know is that by high school I didn't really care to be a jerk anymore. I had found another cause...women and the power of estrogen can humble a man like no other.