Drive!

The thought occurred to me today that I should write this handy guide. Yelling at, and holding imaginary lectures with the people driving around me is pointless. If I'm not a part of the solution, then I must be a part of the problem. So here it is...

The Idiot's Guide to Driving in DC

First and foremost, don't drive a vehicle with out of state tags (exception: MD and VA). Everybody is going to assume you can't drive. When you see four cars lined up in the right lane just to avoid being behind the guy with Arkansas tags in the left, then you know that what I'm saying is legit.

Diplomatic tags mean that something stupid is about to happen. Keep a safe distance if you're behind one of those cars because they're likely to just stop for no reason whatsoever...or keep going through red lights, crosswalks, schoolbus stops, buildings, etc.

Cab drivers are mentally challenged. Not all, but most. They act like they're playing a game of Mario Kart and have those three red turtle shells floating around them. I can't tell you how many times I've had to slam on my brakes thanks to a cab driver who spotted a fare. They're so crazy that the city put up signs that exempt them from normal rules. "NO LEFT TURN...except taxicabs because y'all are gonna do it anyway!"

Expect at least one tourist to try to lay down his life in front of your car in the name of taking a picture. I don't know what land these people come from where that bright orange "Don't Walk" hand means "Hey, if you think you can make it..." They're worse than deer on a dark road. They just dart out in the middle of the street with their Decepticon-looking strollers and then stare at you as they cross the street as slow as humanly possible.

If you don't hit a tourist then you're probably about to hit a person on a bike. There's a bitter civil war brewing between cyclists and motorists. I ride my bike as much as I drive so I'm neutral. I can understand the motorist's beef. You're still paying the note on that Elantra and you wanna get to work on time. The guy ahead of you pedaling up the hill at 3 miles an hour on a Huffy is probably gonna make you late. At the same time, however, the cyclist probably pays taxes too and is entitled to ride his bike. It's not like the sidewalks are clear during rush hour. Until every street gets a bike lane, no one is gonna be happy.

For the love of God, please pull forward into the intersection to make your left turn. If the light turns red, you can turn if you've already advanced into the intersection. If you pull up far enough, the person behind you can go too. If you have DC tags and are one of those people who just sit there hoping the opposing traffic will all stop and wait for you...you need to be slapped.