[/caption]Dear Steve Jobs,
Thank you for sending the iPhone three days early. I would say, "You shouldn't have," but considering the fact that I paid full retail price for this thing ($750 + tax)...you really should have. As a matter of fact, for $750 + tax, you should've dropped it off yourself. Then again, I hear that you're sick so that would've been asking too much for you to fly across the country just to give me my phone. Well, you could've sent the plane to me, then had me come to where you are to pick it up. You probably own a few commercial airliners. I mean, how much could those black turtlenecks be running you? I paid like 10 bucks for eight black t-shirts from Rugged Wearhouse. Discount black turtlenecks? There's actually an app for that...it's called shopsavvy.
Anyway, I don't want to take up too much of your time, even though I get unlimited data through Verizon unlike AT&T. Here's a question: Did you switch to Verizon now that your phone is on both? It's the network, you know. I swear that if I find out you're on T-Mobile or Sprint I'm tossing my Macbook in the trash. Okay, that's a bit excessive. I'll think about throwing it in the trash and then I'll look at that $400 paperweight on my couch that's running Windows 7 and remember that I don't have too many options. You're cool Steve Jobs. I haven't written imaginary letters to anyone else, let alone three (or has it been four) imaginary letters.
You're like my hero. Well, not really. I don't really have any heroes...except GI Joe. Now he was a real American hero. You know Steve (May I call you Steve?), I watched GI Joe my entire childhood and they never actually showed "Joe." There was Duke, Sgt Slaughter, Cobra Commander, the Black dude who set us back a few years with his jive...but Joe never showed up. It's almost as disappointing as watching Sesame Street every single day for five years and they never give out the directions on how to get there even though the little kids at the beginning ask them for directions in the song at least four times. I hate to think about those poor kids who probably froze to death on the side of the road hoping for directions to a place that was filled with sunny days sweeping clouds away.
Those kids must've seen some dark times to be so young and yet be able to distinguish the rosy world of Sesame Street from the harsh reality of "everywhere else." That's so different from the Muppet Babies who just imagine themselves elsewhere all the time. I guess that's what happens though when your parents abandon you at a daycare and the nanny just locks you in a room with no food, water or a bathroom. She came back to check on em from time to time, but the damage from hours upon hours of neglect was already done. Maybe that's why Kermit grew up and went to live on Sesame Street as a reporter. Who knows what became of the rest of them. I did see Ralph the dog in one of those Save the Animals commercials that plays that depressing ass Sarah Maclachlin song, In the Arms of the Angels. Poor guy.
Well Steve (You said it was cool to call you Steve, right?) I didn't mean to take up so much of your time with this letter. I'm sure you have a lot to do like swimming in your money bin or something. Do a lap for me, will ya? I'm going to go buy Angry Birds from your App Store. There's one more dollar to swim in.
Sincerely,
The guy who just wanted to see who would actually read through the whole post.
Lmao. O.k. Stan
ReplyDelete