iCan't Believe It

Dear Steve Jobs,

Hardy Har! I ordered the iPhone at 3AM along with the other cultists and at 10 I got an email saying that my iPhone had shipped "overnight mail." I knew that had to be a mistake because it isn't supposed to come out until the 10th. I shrugged it off and went about my pious non-iPhone-having life.

The next day the concierge downstairs (bougie term for the guy that works the front desk downstairs) tells me that a package came from me. He pulled out a FedEx box sent from Verizon. An orb of light emanated from the box and a choir of angels sang in my head the entire elevator ride up to my apartment.With surgical precision I cut the seal on the box, made my way through the bill of sale and packing slips to pull out

A DROID X.

(cue that whooshing sound from Lost that played before a flashback)

Two days earlier

(A two-day younger version of me walks into the Verizon store. A gust of wind flows through the store a la Michael Jackson walking into the bar in the Smooth Criminal video. Everyone pauses to look at my handsome self.)

"Yeah my Droid keeps acting up. I can't hear any music when I put my headphones on."
"No problem sir, I'll just order another one for you since you're still in your warranty. It'll take a while for the phone to get to you though. I'd say probably a week or so."
"That's cool, by then I'll probably have my iPhone."

(cue whooshing Lost sound as we come back from the flashback)

Yeah, Steve Jobs...real effing funny. Hardy har! I just checked the tracking status and it says that the phone will be here Monday. It better be Steve! It better be!