Happy Valentine's Day

This is a public service announcement sponsored by the good folks at MentalStorage.com

Valentine's Day is highly commercialized and for a few years I refused to celebrate it. Back when I was a kid, it was fun. You could use a candy-gram as a litmus test to figure out how popular you were with your junior high school female counterparts. Hell, in high school I discovered my inner Casanova by dressing up in a suit and handing out cards and single stem roses to all of the girls I didn't like in order to make the ones I did like jealous. I used to ride the high of V-day throughout the rest of the school year.

Once I became an adult, it became my most hated holiday. I work my ass off all year long to be the single greatest boyfriend/husband in the world only to be looked at with contempt by the women of America when my flowers don't bloom as wide as Leroy-the-misogynist or my cleverly thought-out gift isn't as shiny as Rob-the-man-ho's jewelry (He went to Jared's). Trust me, no one hated Valentine's Day as much as I used to.

One day I realized something: If you can find someone who loves you enough and is smart enough to realize that no holiday should serve as a gauge for how much love you have in your heart for them and if that person cares enough for you to say "screw it, just love me everyday" then she deserves the biggest and best Valentine's Day that you can give her. You know why? Because lesser women are getting gifts that they don't deserve and you have to make sure that not ONE day goes by where they feel that they have the upper hand on your woman.

The way I see it, I have a damn good woman at home and I try to show it every single day, but she often comes into contact with some skanks whose boyfriends/husbands probably don't do jack the majority of the year. They probably feel a little bad when they hear her good stories about me and if Valentine's Day should come and they get a million roses and a card they might take that time to point out that my wife didn't get anything. They may start to think, "well maybe he isn't so great after all." I am CEO of my marriage and as CEO it is my fiduciary duty to make sure that the value of our stock NEVER drops...not even one damn cent.

So that means that she gets a dozen roses, candy, a spa treatment and a photo of me and our daughter in a bulky over sized frame. She takes that frame and puts it on her desk at work and an hour after the joy of getting the gift wears off and she's hard at work, she'll hear her picture frame start to ring. Sitting there perplexed at a ringing picture, she'll take off the back of the frame and discover the iPhone that she wanted with a note that says, "I love you."

I don't have to do it. Valentine's Day is commercial...but my love isn't so I gotta do what I gotta do to protect the brand.