Friday we babysat for the first time as parents. It was an eye opening experience. Watching kids is nothing new to me. Even before it was my official job description, I was the family babysitter...at five. But this was the first time that I had a child of my own to compare and contrast.
Friday's specimen: Wonderbaby. That's the little girl that I wrote about before who's four or five months younger than my daughter, but has clearly been here before. I finally got the chance to put the two of them in a room with a paper clip, stick of gum and 9 volt battery and just stand back and watch to see who would build the bigger nuclear weapon.
Right off the bat, things weren't looking good for Team Allen. The parents showed up, dropped off the kid and rather than catching the holy ghost and screaming at the prospect of being left (like my child would do), she just said "Bye Mommy. Bye Daddy." I don't trust a kid that doesn't fear me. I hid all the sharp objects right away.
Time came to eat and on the menu: Pizza. My daughter doesn't like pizza, but the two parents gave it to us for free, so it is imperative that my child learn to appreciate free stuff. We asked Wonderbaby, "Are you hungry? Would you like some pizza." She looked up all doe-eyed, "Yes." We asked my child. "Do you want some pizza?" She didn't take her eyes away from the TV: "Crackers!"
Me: "We don't have crackers, but we have pizza."
Her: "Sausage!"
Me: "No sausage either. We have pizza."
Her: "Okay (ten syllables of jibberish) chicken."
Me: "We have piz-za. That's it. Just piz-za."
Her: (disappointed stare)
So Wonderbaby ate her entire slice of pizza from the point to the crust. Mine only ate the cheese. We asked Wonderbaby if she wanted some more and (right hand to God) she said, "Yes. I want one more piece." I wanted to go to like NY and get her a real slice just because she was proper and specific. We asked mine if she wanted more and she hastily replied, "Cracker?"
Dinner was over (evident by my daughter just getting up and walking away). Wonderbaby remained at the table. "Um, you can get up if you like." She said, "I want to wash my hands." Don't get me wrong, we were gonna do that, but I'm used to having to bait mine into the bathroom. "Hey look...something shiny! GOTCHA!" Afterwards she went and stood directly in front of the television. "Wonderbaby, don't stand so close. Have a seat on the couch." She turned around, went to the couch and sat there for the rest of the evening until her parents came back. Meanwhile, mine was somewhere in the corner building a pipe bomb.
I was very intrigued by that little girl. I really wanted to take her sock off and see if there was a battery compartment inside her foot. You have to build a child like that. They aren't just born that way. As pleasant an experience as it was, I think that I would lose my mind if my daughter was like that. You ever seen those movies where the super soldiers retire and they're forced to live amongst regular people? They usually go crazy.
My daughter keeps me sharp. I'm always on guard. Yesterday, she came to me in the kitchen saying "Daisy! Daisy!" Then she grabbed my hand and led me to the couch. She got down on the floor and started looking under the couch saying "Daisy!" So, I assumed that her Daisy Duck doll was under the couch and out of her reach. I got on the floor and started reaching for it. About three seconds later my spine crushed in towards the floor and made contact with the inside of my navel. She-Hulk Hogan decided that it was the perfect moment to stand up on the couch and jump off the top rope onto my back. If I had feeling in my hands, I would've beat the hell out of her. I never found Daisy and I wonder if she was even looking for her in the first place.
I got sloppy, and moments like that show what my daughter does for my survival skills. I slipped, but I won't do it again. She's assertive, manipulative, calculating and sometimes just plain loud. She reminds me of a younger me. I realize that genetics are stronger than I thought. I probably couldn't make her have Wonderbaby's personality if I tried. Her parents seem like quiet, unassuming people. I highly doubt that either of them ever spent a lot of time in the principal's office. They probably never even got a cafeteria worker fired by going on the news and saying that the food was spoiled. If she's anything like me, my daughter is gonna need a good civil defense attorney. We'll keep Wonderbaby's number on file.
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