Lady Luck

I'm not really in a writing mood. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, so I was sitting on the couch just now feeling groggy when I caught a glimpse of the news. The Megamillions jackpot is now at $476 million. That'll wake you up. That much money deserves to be written out in long form:

Four hundred seventy six million dollars. ($476,000,000.00)

Personally I prefer to think of it as:

School loans, car insurance, cell phone bill, credit cards and disappearing money.

Everybody has their own fantasy of what they'd do if they won the lottery. Here's mine. Like Deion Sanders' timeless ballad "Must Be The Money" I am certain that money will definitely change me. It's gonna change my address, my phone number, my credit report, and my friends.

The first thing I'm doing is signing my ticket and putting it in a fire proof safe. I'm calling up a security company to escort me to lottery headquarters because that shit is in the heart of Anacostia and I'm liable to get caught in a crossfire just walking into the place. Personally I want to remain anonymous, but lately they frown upon that kind of thing, so if I'm forced to do the ceremony with the big check then I'm going in there prepared.

I'm shaving my head, facial hair, and eyebrows and going in there with some foundation and mascara on. They'll think some negro mime has shown up. From there I'm going down to the school loan headquarters dressed like Moses with a staff and I'm gonna shout out "LET MY PEOPLE GO" and pay off our school loans in pennies. Then it's back out the door with my entourage of "big nigga security figures" to go down to the district courthouse to change my name. From there, we're heading to the airport to take a private jet to the country of Noneya (It's in Africa).

About a week later, my closest friends and family will receive a package with a check whose amount will be based solely on emotional connection and they'll get instructions on how to call me. My phone will be set up to give a "number not in service" message off the bat. Then you punch in a secret code which will cause it to beep. Then you read a secret code phrase. After voice analysis the phone will ask you to leave a message. You type in another secret pin number and it'll ring over to my phone.

I haven't really gotten much further than that in the fantasy planning, but trust me...I won't end up on "How I Lost My Millions."