Welcome to DC Part 2: The Metro

For those just tuning in, we're talking about what I love about DC that caused me to move back here. A lot of my out of town friends are considering moving here and often ask me to sell this place to them. At the same time a lot of people I grew up with who moved away are considering moving back and want to know if it's still home sweet home. So here we go...The Metro.

The company that runs the transit system is called WMATA (pronounced: Meh-trow-fuh-kin-sux). Still, most of us just refer to the whole system as "Metro." Metro can be described like a 1990 Nissan Z. Back in 1990 it was a good car. In 2012, however, it sucks and you're lucky if you make it to your destination alive. The system is 30 years old, underfunded, mismanaged and thus not able to live up to it's former glory from the time before I went to college. But, I'll get to what went wrong later. Let's focus on our tourist brethren.

There are five lines Blue, Orange, Green, Yellow and Red. It's a common misconception that the Green Line is the Middle Passage for ghetto Black people in this city. Let me be the first to dispel that hateful, ignorant and insensitive myth. ALL of the lines are the Middle Passage for ghetto Black people depending on where you get on them. Here's a map:

[caption id="attachment_2186" align="alignnone" width="604"] Warning: Staring at this in the station will get you robbed.[/caption]

Okay here's what you need to know for your own safety:

• As a tourist, you belong at the Smithsonian Station and Woodley Park Zoo. Stay away from any other places. They're not all bad, but you'll just get lost or get in the way of people trying to get to work on time. For the love of God, if you do end up somewhere else please remember "LEFT SIDE WALK, RIGHT SIDE STAND." That means that you don't get to stand next to your loved ones on the escalator. You'll meet them again when the ride is over. Heaven forbid you have to turn your neck around to them standing behind you to continue your conversation.


• L'enfant Plaza heading South on the Green Line is the point of no return. I don't care how lost you are, get off!!! If you find yourself missing that stop, put on your angriest face. Talk to yourself, drool, do something to make you look crazy and then get off at Waterfront and run to catch the train going back the opposite way. If one isn't there, then drop into the trackbed and just run on foot.


• The same goes for the Blue and Orange lines heading East once you get to Stadium Armory. There may be a few friendly faces, but they know better than to help you if things go south.


• If you want to study race and socio-economic class, then I invite you to catch the Red line. From the "right side" of the map you'll find a lot of Black people. From Silver Spring to Gallery Place it's mostly negroes. 70% will get off at Gallery Place to get on the aforementioned Green line. Then you'll arrive at Metro Center where things get really interesting. The train is gonna get a lot brighter as just about all of the remaining Black people get off at Metro Center to catch the Blue and Orange lines while an endless sea of White people get on from that point. There will be a handful of Black people peppered throughout the train but 9 times outta 10 they're on their way to UDC.


• Finally, as a tourist it is your duty to stay off the metro during rush hour. We want to get to work on time. We don't have time for you to lollygag as the train pulls up because you don't know the rules of "GET ON! or GET THE HELL OFF!" You also don't understand that your Autobot sized stroller doesn't belong in the middle of the aisle during this "transition period." Standing near the door without a sense of purpose will get you mowed down by an angry mob of people in khakis and business-casual, so just chill in the hotel room until after 9:00.

This concludes our focus on tourists. This last part is for the original DC folks. Metro sucks now. Where it used to cost $2 to get from Anacostia to the ends of the Earth, you're now lucky if two dollars will get you down the elevator to the platform. They do trackwork every weekend now so they single track or shut down complete stations. During the week, it's not uncommon for trains to break down and people to get stranded. We don't even refer to them as "escalators" anymore. They're just metal staircases because they never work. There's no such thing as A/C on the trains anymore and they raise fares whenever the hell they feel like it. The new fare increase will now assess a $1 surcharge for anyone using a paper farecard. So yeah...they suck now. You have a better chance doing what my wife said...saddle up a squirrel and ride that shit to work.

As for the bus...it really isn't that bad. Nothing has changed much. You're safe as long as you're on it and not in front of it. They tend to hit people, run lights and crash into cars on occasion, but what else is new?