I think there's something along the lines of a social contract that comes with being a decent person in a relationship. You're obligated to wield your love responsibly. Dogs, skeezers, gold diggers and your run of the mill heartless bastards don't have such responsibilities. Anyone who knowingly falls in love with them is pretty much playing russian roulette. But when it comes to a decent "great find" kinda person (guy or gal) I think you have to be careful who you allow to fall in love with you.
Where's this coming from? Is there trouble on the homefront? Nope. At least, not that I know of. I've been checking my closet and, so far, no R. Kellys trapped in there so I'm guessing we're good. Actually, we just celebrated our ninth "boyfriend-girlfriend" anniversary this week and when you get to nine years it's kind of like an award show. On the one hand you feel all warm and fuzzy as the audience of your peers gives you a standing ovation. You feign a humble smile as you say "It's just an honor to be nominated" while on the inside you're like "Hell yeah I deserve this!" On the other hand, you find yourself playing that depressing "Remembering those we lost" video in your head and you start taking note of all the relationships that began and ended around you over the last ____ years.
This year is particularly peculiar because in the past month I've watched about three couples collapse under the weight of their own love. It's different than before. You don't stay married from 21 years old through 30 without having your share of people giving you unsolicited advice--people whom you would NEVER trade places with in a million years. There are about 10 of them in my rearview mirror standing alone looking stupid wondering how their relationships failed when they were "experts" on relationships. I don't shed too many tears for them, but this year is different. These couples were made up of decent people who loved each other. For whatever reason, it just didn't work. And that LONNNNG introduction brings me to my point.
As town therapist I know everyone's business. I've come to the conclusion that there is nothing worse than two people who love each other breaking up. They have so much in common but for some reason they're just not happy. There's a difference between loving someone and being "in love" with someone. You can dump a person and still be willing to take a bullet for them. In the movies it's so black and white. One person is leeching the others love without the slightest hint of reciprocity. Breaking up is a no brainer.
But what do you do when you love the person but they just don't do it for you anymore? The worst mistake is to fall victim to what economists call the "sunk cost fallacy." Everyone does it at some point. It's when you keep throwing money at something with the sole justification of "I've already spent ____ dollars." Slot machines, broken down cars and money pit houses...everyone does it. In relationships, it's when you say "but we've been together for ____years." You realize you're not happy but you try to throw more love (insincere love) at it. You buy more gifts, go on more trips and hug em even more with the hope that all these sparks will reignite the damps logs. It rarely succeeds.
Instead you make the person think that things are better than ever while you're realizing that it's true what they say, the flame burns brightest near the end. They get blindsided and then they're crushed. You hate yourself for hurting them and everyone's miserable. That's why I say there's a social contract involved. A decent person should slow the vehicle down to a stop the minute they realize there's a brick wall up ahead. Don't speed up. And yes, some of this comes from past relationship experience. Like I said, everyone's been there.
Now that I think about it...that can be my acceptance speech for the "Y'all giving me hope for Black love" Award.
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