Nuclear powered children. I scoffed at the idea when it was first suggested to me years ago. Newborns sleep 18 hours a day. You expect me to believe that two years from now this person will outrun the sun? I was so young back then and my naivety was surpassed only by my lack of preparation for this moment. This child doesn't sleep. Put her to bed at 9pm and she'll be up at midnight doing lines of No-Doz.
At one point when I was at my lowest, I actually considered this an honor. People stand in absurdly long lines for a cellphone that boasts the best battery life and here I am with a child who can get 18 hours on one charge. Snap out of it. She must be stopped. It would be a colossal failure on my part, were she to end up in the hands of government scientists. I must prove to them and the world once and for all that she is not "Unbreakable."
Yesterday I conducted an experiment with the scientists from The University of Me. Our hypothesis: The child will sleep if the appropriate energy discharge station is found. I took her on an 10 mile bike ride in her trailer. I then stopped at Gravelly Point Park and let her run up and down the field for an hour. We then went to the park where we played with her bouncy ball and blew bubbles that we chased around the park. This lasted for another hour. She then began to show signs of fatigue so I tricked her into thinking she could sleep in her stroller. As a sign of mercy I allowed her to take an 8 minute power nap as I walked from the park to the playground where I woke her up and let her play for another hour.
By the end of the 3 hour exercise, my wife had made it home. She bathed the child and fed her. We both donned smug grins as we watched the child's eyes grow heavy and her head start to do that "wobbly thing" that precedes sleep. It was 7pm. Two minutes later, the child was asleep. Two minutes after that, the child was awake again and would remain so until 11pm. The experiment was a failure. The child awoke at 7 this morning humming the theme from Gremlins.
[caption id="attachment_2168" align="alignnone" width="364" caption="I'll get you Gadget, next time. Next time!"]
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