Like the movie Inception, it's my own personal totem. Boy, did it come in handy this weekend. I just got back from L.A., and if not for the totem, I would've gladly stayed in that dream world. I had no desire to come back to DC...at all! If not for my daughter, I'd still be there.
If you read my last post, then you know that this was a consolation prize since Mother Nature has apparently banned me from all islands. It was a star-studded flight. Goose and Maverick piloted us there, while I sat next to the monkey from Outbreak. After 6 hours of her non-stop coughing and sneezing, I realized that I should probably enjoy L.A. as fast as possible before I died or turned into a zombie or something.
I landed at 1pm. By the end of the day I'd been to:
- The Griffith Observatory where I took pictures of the LA skyline
- The Hollywood Sign
- The Warner Brothers Studio Tour where I saw the set of Two and a Half Men, all of the cars from Batman, took pics on the couch from Friends, and saw Rebel Wilson (Bridesmaids, Pitch Perfect).
- The Walk of Fame where I saw the saddest street performers and impersonators (more on them later)
- The Grauman (TCL) Chinese Theater where I saw Gravity in 3D in their newly renovated IMAX screen
- Rosco's Chicken and Waffles
- The Santa Monica Pier
Believe it or not, I didn't rush through anything. I only slept a total of 9 hours over the four days that I was there, so I had plenty of time on my hands. The WB tour was fantastic, but the Walk of Fame has to be the most depressing thing I've ever seen. I heard about the impersonators and the folks walking around in costumes begging for you to take pics with them, but I really wasn't prepared.
The first thing to catch my eye was the 5'10 black guy who had to weigh about 230-250 in black pants, a stretchy shirt, a green vest like something you'd rent from Men's Wearhouse for a wedding or prom, and a black mask. You know who he was supposed to be? The Green Lantern! Then there was his buddy, Batman, whose costume appeared to be carefully woven from Hefty trash bags. Then there was Catwoman who had a body to die for and probably the diseases to die from judging by her "costume." Honestly, if she took her mask off at night and worked a few corners away, it would not surprise me.
The WORST offenders, hands down, were the Michael Jackson impersonators. There were three: Black Michael Jackson, Brown Michael Jackson, and Gray Michael Jackson (Charcoal "Wesley Snipes" skin + White makeup=Gray). Gray Michael Jackson wasn't that bad. He just kept prancing up and down the street like it was the Billie Jean video. Black Michael Jackson...where do I start. This dude stood at the end of the block in a frozen pose pointing at a sign that said, "tips make me move." I stood there for five minutes waiting for someone to put money in the jar (I wasn't going to). He never moved. I was impressed that he held that pose for so long. Finally, some kid gave him a dollar and he started dancing. What...the...hell? An epileptic having a seizure could've done better. And that leaves my favorite, the highlight of my trip, and the reason I had to leave the walk of fame...
Brown Michael Jackson looked a hot damned mess. He had plastic surgery to try and make himself look like him, but I swear to God he had it done at a daycare with some left-handed scissors. He looked horrible and had a jheri curl that looked JUST like the one Randy Watson had in Coming to America. He was wearing what I can only describe as a fire engine red onesie. It looked like the pajamas you wear to go to bed as a kid with the feet in them.
He was blasting Thriller and walking down the street with a large American flag draped over him as if he'd just won the Michael Jackson Olympic 100 Meter Dash. He had a single stem rose in his mouth. He put the flag over Michael's star on the Walk of Fame, and walked around it like three times. Then for no reason whatsoever he did a cartwheel over the flag. Not even a good cartwheel. It was like a "I'm out of shape" fat person cartwheel where your feet aren't even vertical. Then he sat down on the flag, started crying and shouted, "I LOVE MICHAEL JACKSON! I LOVE MYSELF!" Then he got up, picked up the flag and reset back down the street so he could do it again. I had to walk away after that. I completely left the area. I could take no more.
I didn't mean to dedicate so much of the post to that, but it's a tragedy that had to be told. LA is the city of dreams, and that stretch of Hollywood Boulevard is the septic system where the broken dreams flush back out into reality. I hate when these posts hit 1000 words, so let's wrap it up:
I paid extra for the VIP tour of Universal. I got to take pics on some movie and TV sets that are usually closed to the public. I went to Malibu for a day and FINALLY got to a beach! Anyone who knows me personally can tell you that I'm a HUGE Back to the Future fan. As a kid I tried to build a time machine at least once a week. I have the near-electrocutions to prove it. Anyway, not only did I see the original Delorean from the film, but I also went to Marty's house. The owners weren't thrilled about me taking pics of their house, but they'll get over it. I also went FULL GEEK and drove my car around the mall parking lot from the movie all while making the time travel noises in my head.
I ate a lot of good food, saw every tourist attraction I could think of (Venice Beach is a horrible, horrible place), crashed a banquet at a hotel that was much nicer than the one I was staying in, and I put 400 miles on the rental car. I had a blast! Then I looked at my totem, and drove myself back to LAX. 12 hours later, I was back in DC taking my daughter to school this morning.
Awesome, awesome, awesome trip! After the year I've had, it was just what I needed.
Glad you had a good trip. I remember my first LA trip, I didn't want to come home either. Only I made the mistake of mentioning that to my uncle who promptly told me to "remove the thought from your head and when I get back on the east coast you better be there to greet me."
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