Instructions for Use

Pink Eye Ointment

Directions for use:
Tilt child's head back into your lap. Gently pull down bottom eyelid to form a small pocket beneath the eye. Apply thin strip of ointment onto finger and rub into inner fold of the eyelid. Ointment will spread to eye as child blinks. Repeat as instructed by doctor.

Question:

How the hell do you get past step one? Either they had some really docile, ever-trusting children during the testing phase of this, or there's a tranquilizer dart missing from the package. As a matter of fact, the minute she realizes that I'm trying to stick something inside her eyes, step one becomes obsolete.

Revised Directions:
Tilt child's head back into your lap. Attempt to pull child's eyelid down. Place child's body into scissor leg lock. Hold down child's arms while clutching child's body against your own. Reattempt to pull child's eyelid down. Grow an additional arm and use the hand on that third arm to rub the ointment into child's eye. If third arm is not available, settle for wasting rubbing ointment onto child's closed eyelids and hoping for the best.