Blackmail Picture Day

Of all the things that I've been through this year, nothing is as difficult or challenging as what I'm about to share with you:

To buy or not to buy my daughter's first school pictures

I'd just as easily choose which arm I don't want. I have very fond memories of my own school pictures experience. My voyage home with the "letter to the parents" was usually met with a hearty, "I don't have any money."

If any of my relatives ever read this blog, they'll certainly say "You make us sound so bad." No, there's a reason why a six year old feels the need to keep a stash of cash hidden in the hollow leg of his "activity table." The way my family talked about money (or lack thereof), I knew it was valuable from day one. That's why my grandmother taught me how to apply interest to the $50 I loaned (REDACTED) when I was seven. But I digress.

So anyway, it's now D-Day. The money for the pictures is due and of the four poses they sent home, she's only smiling in one of them. She's sitting down on the floor and looking slightly over her shoulder and up at the camera. It's not a bad picture at all. It's also not worth $27 for one 5X7, two 3X5's and eight wallets.

When I look at it, all I'm really paying for is for them to take the word "proof" off the front of the picture. Because truthfully, I have no shame scanning the proofs and putting them on Facebook. In my ongoing journey to stop being ghetto, I'm seriously considering buying a package, but I don't want the pose that I mentioned. It's a nice picture, but one that I can probably get from the beauty school dropouts at the Walmart photo center for just five bucks.

No, I want the "setup" picture. I want blackmail. There is a pose where she's sitting in front of the infamous forest backdrop. THAT is the one that I want. She's sitting on a clearly fake rock twiddling her thumbs and you can tell by the look on her face that she either just finished crying or was about to start crying. If she were an adult, I'd say the look on her face says "Just got fired from work. I'm about to beat up my manager."

I want that one because it's timeless. When she gets older and starts to think she's cute, I'm breaking that one out. Every time she brings something home from school that's begging for money (like a yearbook sponsorship page), I'm breaking that out. I will post that thing in every yearbook, church anniversary booklet...whatever! And it's not to be mean. It's a right of passage. Don't believe me?

[caption id="attachment_3284" align="alignnone" width="284"] BOOM! I look like a kid you sponsor for 26 cents a day[/caption]

This is me when I was three. I remember bringing these pictures home. My grandmother cursed me out like I stole money out of her purse. "I didn't waste all that goddamn money for you to go over there and take a picture like this. Why the hell did you make that face?"

Now keep in mind that this is the same woman that I love to death. Don't be put off by the harsh words. To say that you need thick skin to be around her is an understatement. You need to be wearing armor and carry a shield. The day of the pictures she lathered me down in Vaseline because that's what old people do in the winter and she told me,

"Now remember, you have an ugly smile. I'm not saying you're ugly. Just your smile. It's not ugly necessarily, it's just too wide. Your smile goes all the way across your face. I'm not paying all this money to see all your teeth. So just smile halfway. It's a smirk. You know how to smirk? Well when you get there, do that. I don't care what those people tell you. I'm the one paying for it, so don't smile. Smirk."

So that picture up there is my attempt to smirk. As for the "Homeless Clothes Drive" sweater that I have on...It was 85-86. It was in fashion, I think. Haircut...also not my responsibility at that age. It was the winter and my grandmother used to say that having hair on top of my head would keep me warm.

So anyway, how can I pass up this opportunity to continue family tradition. I must get my daughter's blackmail picture. I simply must.