Batting A Thousandth

I don't think I'll ever take my self-esteem for granted again. If there's one thing that Saturday has taught me, it's that you can never have too much of it. You see, now that I'm in the free agent pool, I've found it necessary to do a bit of "calisthenics." As Louis CK put it, "I didn't exactly keep THIS (pointing to my gut) up." You just kind of assume you'll be signed with the same team forever annnd you kinda let yourself go. So I've been trying to get myself back into shape.

So far, I've been doing good. AND, I almost have a six pack. It's more like a chalk outline where the fat person I once was has died, but still, it's progress and if you catch me under muted light RIGHT after I finish doing that Ab Ripper X video, then you can kinda see it. You'll have to look down on the floor, because I often find it hard to stand up after that workout, but my tears tend to collect near my abdomen and they glisten off my soon-t0-be six pack.

Where was I? Oh yeah, I've been running like three miles a day (in under 30 mins, believe it or not) and doing pull ups and sit ups and trying to bring sexy back or whatever, and I figured that it was time for me to go pro. I signed up for Adult Kickball. Saturday was my first practice.

I got there early and decided to kill time at the batting cage across the street. When I look in the mirror I see an athlete staring back at me now, so I figured I could "Bo Jackson" it and do two sports in one day.

Warning: Objects in mirror are a goddamned lie.

There were three pitching options available to me: Slow, Medium, Fast. I knew that slow was beneath me, but the fast cages were full. Some kid jumped ahead of me and ran into the last medium cage, so I took the slow cage. I figured that I'd just have fun knocking 'em outta the park.

Yeah, about that.......For a buck, I got 14 pitches. I didn't see the first four. I only knew they went by because I heard them hit the pad behind me. I saw the next few, but my bat was defective so it wasn't hitting them for some reason. But those last three...Maybe not a homerun, but singles all day!!! Meanwhile, the person beside me was hitting like Barry Bonds. As I was leaving I felt what was left of my self esteem die as I realized it was the little kid who jumped ahead of me...in the medium cage.