SuperBug

I am a man. I just want to go ahead and throw that out there, because you may forget it by the end of this post. If there was a rat in my apartment right now, I'd catch it with my bare hands. If there was a snake in here, then he'd meet the same fate as the rat. If a man came in here and threatened my child, he'd wish he were that rat or snake. I am a man!!!

So don't go judging me because this New York City cockroach scared the hell out of me in here yesterday. My hood training is thorough. Check my resume. I know how to go over somebody's house, pretend I don't see the roaches, and then shake my clothes out as I'm leaving. That's called hood manners. But hood roaches and NYC cockroaches are two totally different things. One is an insect. The other is a mammal.

Anyway, I was in the bathroom mirror brushing my hair (because I'm bringing waves back) when I saw something run by in the background. It was like a horror movie and I reacted just the way I've always said I would act if I were in a horror movie: I balled up my fists and spun around ready to swing on whatever undead thing it turned out to be. But there was nothing there. I looked up at the ceiling in case "it" was hiding and then I looked down at the floor.

I have never seen a cockroach that big in my life. I thought it was a mouse. I seriously stood there dumbfounded for a second trying to process how any bug could get that big. It was at least 2 inches long, so stepping on it wasn't even an option. This thing would either create a huge mess that I had no interest in cleaning up or it would grab my foot and throw me across the room. Normally, the vacuum cleaner is my friend in this situation, but I have hardwoods in my new place. Buying a vacuum hasn't been a priority.

My only option was to go with chemical warfare. With antennae that big, it read my mind and took off running. The Usain Bolt of roaches teleported from the bathroom to the bedroom in about a second. I looked in the cabinet and immediately started kicking myself for buying those "natural" cleaning products that were on sale. This thing came from the ground so I'm certain that plant extracts aren't going to hurt it in the slightest. Luckily, I had some Clorox Cleanup which I assume is just bleach in a spray bottle.

I cornered it in the bedroom and gave it a spray. That $&@#*$&#!!! didn't even blink. Normal bugs run when you spray them with something. Even Raid makes them run for a second before giving up the ghost. This thing just stood there like Debo. "You want some of this old man?" "No!" It started walking (not running, walking) toward me with a very angry look in its eyes. I grabbed the broom and slapshot his ass across the room. This thing was so big I actually felt resistance as I hit it and even heard a thud when it hit the opposite wall.

At this point it was on its back and its underbelly was exposed. I saw it reaching for its gun, so I walked over and did my Jules impression. "And I will strike down upon thee with a great vengeance and furious anger those who would try to poison and destroy my brother. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee." I didn't even realize that I was holding the spray bottle like it was a glock until midway through me emptying the clip.

Do you know that bastard was still alive? The bleach had no effect. I finally bit the bullet and realized that I was gonna have to pick it up. I did what I see people do on TV all the time. I took a cup that I had no intention of ever using again and put that on top of it. Naturally, Hulk-Roach was longer than the diameter of the cup, so it became a two-trip job to get him to the toilet. I slid some paper underneath and walked it to the watery grave. Even then I felt it fighting through the paper. It had heart. I'll give it that. You don't get to that size by being a punk, I guess.

I flushed about eight times just in case he decided to get itsy bitsy spider on me and climb back up to finish the fight later. So far, it's been quiet, or maybe that's just what it wants me to think.