Arm & Hammer

(Knock on wood) I think the smallpox that I picked up at daycare is finally working its way out of my system. I'd like to thank my grandmother for giving me my mutant healing factor. Because of her I can be shot up to eighteen times point blank and still heal fully within two hours, provided I have some baking soda and a Rock Creek Ginger Ale.

What's funny is that the whole time I was sick I kept wondering how it is that I still have a stomach lining. As a kid I would get really sick once a year and there were always three remedies:
1) Go somewhere and sit down
2) Go lay down
3) Baking soda and ginger ale

That first one was a test, I think. The pre-existing condition that she always diagnosed me with was, "just want some attention." Headaches, sore throats and radiation poisoning was typically just me wanting somebody to pay me "some mind."

Number two was my grandmother's version of an x-ray or blood work. In regular medical settings when a doctor can't figure out what's wrong she'll send you for an x-ray to rule out some things. If I did, in fact, lay down and stay down then it was a good sign that I was actually sick. An hour of that would be followed by a check for a fever via my grandmother's hand to my forehead (no thermometers in my house). I would next be packaged freezer-style under about eight comforters so as to not spoil until she returned from her trip to the store.

The third and final remedy was the last resort. A nurse came by and asked about my advance directives before the procedure began. I said goodbye to my Teddy Ruxpin and made peace with the possibility that I would never find out what Dr Claw looked like on Inspector Gadget.

My grandmother reappeared in my room with butter knife, a box of Arm & Hammer Baking Soda, a cup of water and a green 16oz glass bottle of Rock Creek Ginger Ale. Then she went into her drug dealer mode. You ever see someone in a movie get a big shipment of cocaine? They always stab through the brick of cocaine with a knife and then taste some of it.Well, my grandmother would stick the butter knife down in the baking soda box and come up with WAY more than the 1 teaspoon recommended on the side of the box.

She also paid no mind to the explicit instructions that said it should be fully dissolved in a glass of water. She handed me the knife and made me eat all of it at once. Next I had to wash it down with some water and chase it with some ginger ale. For those who don't know, Rock Creek is a soda brand here in DC. It is the strongest soda on earth. If you poured some on a wooden floor, the floor would burst into flames. Ginger Ale is already strong and bitter, but imagine it with whatever hell-level carbonation that they use in Rock Creek sodas.

The timer was then set for about 7 minutes, after which anything that wasn't nailed down inside of me found a way out. The best way to cure an upset stomach is to just start fresh with a new stomach lining, esophagus, intestinal walls, etc. Later, once my body started building a new stomach, she'd give me some of that chicken noodle soup, a cup of hot tea and a "victory" Coca-Cola.

To this day, I don't know if it's because of her remedy or just my body's fear of ever getting sick in her presence, but I've had a really strong immune system. Once a year I get sick as soon as I even think about baking soda, I start to feel better.