Happy Valentine's Day!

When I was in elementary school, my self esteem hinged on Valentine's Day. I had already decided that marriage was in my future by the time I was eight, so I looked to V-day as a barometer of my attractiveness. (I really needed to get out and play more, lol) There was always a girl whose card meant more than others. The girl changed from year to year, but if I didn't get one from her then I saw it as my being destined to be alone forever.

Oddly enough, I can't remember what my batting average was on that. Perhaps it just goes to show how silly the notion was, but when you're a kid a lot of things are tied to your self image that shouldn't be. I do remember times when I didn't get hardly any, but I really cherished and appreciated the few that I got. I want to believe that I wouldn't have turned out any different had I gotten none, but I can't say that with complete certainty.

As I've written many times before, my little nerd high school afforded me the opportunity to be popular, which I have no doubt I wouldn't have had elsewhere. I was always aware of that fact and tried to do some good with it even if it was just speaking to the socially inept who sat by themselves at their lockers during lunch. It was one particular February when this girl who I didn't know very well made a offhand remark about how she never got a Valentine's Day card in her life. Her friend said that she hadn't gotten one before either.

On February 13th I took what little money that I had and I bought a few packs of blank cards from CVS because they were cheaper than printed ones. I waited for "the rose man" outside of the subway to get ready to close up shop before I approached him and made him a deal to give me a 18 roses for ten dollars. I went home and I wrote a personalized message in every card. The next day I put on a suit and tie and went to school where I handed them out to all the girls who I thought were beautiful, but maybe just didn't know it. The ones who I thought were more special than others, like the two who said they'd never gotten a card before, got a rose as well.

I don't remember whether or not I got a valentine that year or not. I think I did, but it didn't really matter at that point and I hope that for those girls, wherever they are now, it doesn't matter now either.