I used to think that stay at home parents sat around watching television and eating Cap'n Crunch all day. It wasn't that I didn't understand how demanding children can be. Hell, I was the family babysitter from about age seven to fourteen. I guess I failed to realize that at seven I didn't really care about my cousin's cognitive development. Back then I did sit around watching television and eating the snacks in his diaper bag. My interpretation of the role changed instantly when my wife walked out the door that first day after maternity leave.
I once heard somewhere that the reality of prison doesn't sink in until you get in your cell and they close the door for the first time. It was the same for me. She left and (all teary-eyed) told me a hundred times to call her throughout the day to let her know how things were going. The door closed and I remember looking over at the six week old sprawled out on the couch and thought to myself, "What in the hell am I doing here?" I had my first meltdown two days later. Ten hours is a long stretch with a newborn, especially when you're anatomically incompatible. My wife could just pop her on a boob to keep her quiet. I gave her a pacifier and she "Rick Wild Thing Vaughned" it right back at my head.
I got the hang of it after a while and even learned to find humor in it. I started this blog originally as "Daddy's Log--The War Journal of a First Time Father" and chronicled my exploits on Facebook to the amusement of my friends. Being home allowed me to not only witness every milestone, but to have a direct involvement in them. There was no daycare worker to tell me, "Hey, she took her first steps today. Guess what? She said a word today." It's amazing how something so small can more than compensate for the lost wages, career growth and social interaction that I would've gotten from going to work each day. Don't get me wrong, I missed those things desperately, but she made it all worth it.
A while ago I wrote a post about how hard it is to watch her face as we walk by a school playground. Her eyes light up not just because of the sight of the playground, but because of the other children. She craves the social interaction. She needs to be around her own kind. I have a hard time accepting that there are some things that I just can't give her. I think that's the theme of parenting. There will come a time...Actually, there will be hundreds of times when your kids will need something you can't give them.
It's so hard because in the beginning you were more than enough. You were an abundance of resources for them and that exchange of resources (be it wealth, patience, time, experience, knowledge, whatever) flowed freely and easily. Then one day that exchange is difficult because you honestly don't have the thing that they need in that moment and (gasp) you have to send them out into the world to go get it. The same world that you sheltered and protected them from in the infant days--The one with all the germs, pedophiles, kidnappers and just all around bad people--is the same one you now have to direct them to and that is a scary feeling.
So what's all of this about? I knew that the day would come when she'd go to school. I was banking on August or September of this year. Unfortunately, circumstances have changed and it's a combination of things that have now forced me to move that date up to "soon." She has to go to daycare and that decision pains me even though I know it's the right one. There are parents reading this right now who are probably thinking, "Been there done that." I acknowledge that I'm late to the party on this one, but just let me have my moment.
For the last two and a half years I've had a routine and enjoyed the company of just one person from 8AM to 6PM each day. I was planning a big "going away party" this spring and summer. We were gonna go on picnics and bike rides and just run ourselves ragged. I guess I wanted to cram as many "just the two of us" moments as I could. Instead, I have a week and it's the dead of winter. With everything else that's been going on, I was kinda looking forward to that. Where's the truth-in-advertising for this whole "grown up" thing? It was supposed to be just a bunch of money and freedom. I want a refund.
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