The Young and the Restless

I just put my daughter down for a nap and judging by the condition of the house and how tired I am, you would think I just finished the Battle for Middle Earth. She doesn't do that heavy-eyed blink that normal kids do when they're tired. She's like a candle whose flame burns brightest near the end. You'll know that she's tired when she starts doing wind sprints in the living room while spinning in a circle like the Tazmanian Devil.

Maybe I'm getting payback from when I was a kid. When I look back at Head Start and Pre-School I realize that my teacher probably hated my ass. She didn't show it then, but, when I think about how my ONE child drives me up a wall, I can imagine that the thirty minutes that the 15-20 of us were supposed to sleep was like oxygen to that woman. My not going to sleep and constantly getting up to ask her what she was doing was my way of asphyxiating that poor woman. Just lie there and pretend you're sleep!

My kindergarten teacher, Ms Foushee (Foo-shay), didn't take any shit off us. This was back in the 80s when teachers used to beat kids in the classroom. Ms Foushee was quick to open up her drawer and look for an imaginary piece of paper as she said,  And Ordale, your grandmother gave me written permission to beat your behind if you act up! That's all it took. We'd all sit there with the lights off and our heads on our desks as she pulled her little portable TV out of her cabinet. Then as the piano intro started to The Young and the Restless we knew we were supposed to stay still until the saxophone came on for the intro to The Bold and the Beautiful.

Of course, being the mastermind that I am, I came up with a new plan. Now this goes to show just how engulfed she was in that show, because she didn't notice that me and the other four kids at my table would slip down to the floor and crawl to the coatroom where our backpacks were. We started bringing toys for the exact purpose of playing during that hour. I brought a flashlight from home and we'd sit in the dark playing with our stuff like we were running some kind of underground casino.

Then one day in the midst of us playing with the new Muppet Babies Happy Meal toys, that coatroom door flung open. As the light flickered on the first thing I noticed was that brownish yellow yard stick in her hand. In a raspy, church bulletin reading, old woman voice she said, I-I-I know y'all haven't lost your everlasting minds! The look on her face was what you'd expect if you caught teenage boys and girls in a closet together. We were five and innocently playing Muppet Babies. I was Gonzo. It didn't matter though. She beat the hell outta us, enough to the point that for the rest of the year I just kept my head on the table and tried to picture Victor telling Nicky he loved her, Cricket talking to Nina about Danny and Ms Chancellor being a wench. Then I'd go home and tell my mother what she missed on the stories while she was at work.

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