approx 11 PM.
Doctor: You're dilated about blah blah blah
Me: The baby isn't coming in the next hour is she?
Doctor: Oh, no.
July 6, 2010
approx 5AM
Doctor: You're dilated about blah
Me: The baby is coming today, right?
Doctor: Oh yes.
approx 11AM
Doctor: You're dilated blah blah
Me: The baby is definitely gonna be born today?
Doctor: Yes. What's so special about today?
My wife: Today is his birthday.
I used to joke with pregnant women all the time. You're pregnant? Well you know July 6th is a good day to have a baby. It never crossed my mind that my first born would come on my birthday. Even when we got the expected due date, July 3rd, I thought to myself, close but no cigar. Then she missed her due date. Then none of the 4th of July fireworks did anything to scare her out. So on the fifth I was the most helpful man on Earth. I didn't want my wife moving at all for fear she would shake her loose.
I read all of the books. I watchedThe Miracle of Life. Nothing prepares you for a labor and delivery room. First off, the entire night was spent listening to other women scream for dear life in the surrounding rooms. Then came the decision of epidural or not. My wife went in there all GI Joe with the idea she'd deliver the baby herself to really get the "natural birth" effect. It was around hour number 5 when the nurse gave my wife the red pill. My wife thought that the last five hours were the main event and she was close to the home stretch. All that pain she felt was just part of being a woman but her journey was almost over and an Olympic medal was waiting for her at the finish line.
The nurse burst her bubble and did the Morpheus thing: "What if I told you that the last five hours were merely you stretching to prepare for the race and that you have about another 10 hours to go?" She unplugged from The Matrix. The anesthesiologist came, inserted the epidural and about six hours later that little button was my wife's new best friend. She was actually still pushing the button long after my daughter came out and the epidural bag was empty.
The delivery
There are some things that should remain unsaid. Until I get the counseling that I need, I will never get over what I saw in that delivery room two years ago. I don't know what I was expecting. I'm a pretty educated guy. I didn't think that doves were gonna fly out of it or anything, but I sure as hell wasn't expecting that. For about 12 hours nothing happened except my wife wincing over on the bed. Then the nurse came in and said, "You're at ten." The doctor showed up and since it's a teaching hospital about five other doctors came in.
So here we are with a crowd sitting on bleachers staring up my wife's vagina as we wait for my kid to come out. The doctor told her to push, the head moved forward. She stopped pushing and my daughter crawled back up inside. This went on for a few minutes then my wife decided she'd had enough. Her eyes rolled back in her head, smoke came out of her nose she mumbled something about "there is no Dana only Zool" and the next thing you knew blood shot out everywhere (not exaggerating) my daughter flew out and someone yelled "merconium."
A nurse hit the emergency button and a team of nurses came bursting in the door. The doctor explained that my daughter shat on her way out so we had to move fast. No tv-style "here's your baby," instead I had all of five seconds to cut the chord, they whisked her over to a table and started shoving tubes down her nose and throat to suction out all of the "stuff." All this time my daughter had yet to cry. She was purple and I was thinking the worst. I went over to the table and my daughter came online.
It was like when Li-lu was rebuilt in The Fifth Element. She roared, grabbed the tube and tried to pull it out of her mouth. The nurse said, "Is she rolling over? Grab her, I think she's trying to roll over." She looked at me, I said "it's okay" and she stopped. They finished their business, wrapped her up and handed her to me. We sat in a chair together while the doctors spent the next 20 minutes while all the kings horses and all the kings men tried to sew my wife back together again. No relatives could come in because they had to bring in someone to clean the blood up off the floor.
So I just sat there singing My Cherie Amor. It was the best birthday ever.
No comments:
Post a Comment