Back From The Pediatrician

Just came back from the pediatrician. I learned something new today: My child gets special treatment. And that's not a good thing.

The exam room walls are very thin which allows you to eavesdrop whether you want to or not. I heard peculiar things like

"Okay Julie we're gonna look in your ears."

"Matthew's getting one shot today mom." (He screams) "Good job Matthew."

"I'm listening to your heart. Hold her tight mom. Okay, all done."

[caption id="attachment_2469" align="alignnone" width="300"] Weird.[/caption]

Very peculiar indeed. Why? Because they do none of that with my daughter. You have to remember that my daughter came into the world with a rap sheet. While the NICU nurses were trying to suction the merconium from her nose and throat, she grabbed the tube and yanked it out. Then she rolled over on her stomach which is something two-minute-old babies shouldn't be able to do.

Since she was born people have been telling me how strong she is. The doctors say she's in the 98th percentile for height, weight and head circumference. The latter comes from me. The height thing...who knows. The point I'm trying to make is that my daughter is bigger, stronger and faster than the average kid. They tried that Sesame Street approach before. They won't make that mistake again. It was like watching Jason Bourne take out a room full of cops. Here's a picture of her going in for her checkup today taken from a surveillance camera in the office.

[caption id="attachment_2470" align="alignnone" width="604"] Take no chances[/caption]

 

It becomes a special forces strike team operation when my daughter shows up. "Okay Dad, you secure her legs. Nurse #1, you hold her arms. Nurse #2, keep her head steady. I'll use my body weight to restrain her torso." And that's just to listen to her heartbeat. None of you have the security clearance to know what they do to actually give her a shot.