You Want A Bag?

I've written about this before on my Facebook page but the problem seems to have spread to Maryland now so it bears repeating:

Dear cashiers at all major grocery stores,

If you see me walk up to the register with fifty two cans of tunafish, twelve jars of Miracle Whip, seventy four packs of butter, thirty apples and a box of Cap'n Crunch and you see me put all of that on the belt then there should be a mechanism that flips in your brain that prevents you from saying the dumbest phrase in all mankind...
"Do you need a bag?"

How else do you expect me to get all of that home? Juggle?

Now I could understand if you saw me carrying a backpack, duffel bag or pushing one of those grandma carts but I'm empty handed wearing shorts and a wifebeater. Where else will I put it?  Then when I tell you I need some you continue down the path of the dark side with...
"You know they cost five cents, right?"

Oh for real? Well in that case let me just put this shit back. I can eat tomorrow. It's a nickel. There are twenty of those in every dollar. Just give me the damn bags.

When you tell them you're aware of it they then go into super duper silly mode.

"Do you want your milk in a bag too?"

I understand what they think their logic is. They see a little handle on the milk and assume you can just carry that. Well if I had seventeen other bags and I've already told you I don't need parking validation then that should trigger some common sense. I don't have a car, yet I probably need about ten bags for the stuff you've rang up already. How big do you think my hands are that I can carry ten bags AND that thick ass handle on the milk?

So I finally get them to bag everything and after paying I go to collect my stuff and realize that they have somehow forgotten that these are PLASTIC bags, not titanium. Just because we now have to pay for them does not mean they've somehow gone up in quality. Why did you put sixteen cans in one bag?

Excuse me, can you separate some of this stuff and double bag?

"You know they're five cents EACH right?"