Warrior Baby

Sooo, I took my daughter to get her ears pierced at the doctor's office Friday. If there was ever any doubt before, today's events removed it; My daughter is a mutant. No one believes me when I tell them that she doesn't cry during her vaccinations. She throws jabs at the nurse administering the shots, but the most you'll ever get out of her is one single, solitary tear drop a la Denzel Washington in Glory. It's like her pride won't allow her to cry.

Anyway, today I just knew that having two metal rods forced through her ear lobes would do it. I was right...and wrong. She was all smiles going into the office. She even let out a few giggles when the doctor had me lay her on the table. But the minute that the doctor came at her with the pen to mark the puncture locations...my daughter's Blackness kicked in. You know that feeling that you get when you see a group of dudes walking your way on a street in a neighborhood that you don't live in? The look that goes with that feeling...that's what my daughter had on her face. It was like, "What the hell do we need three people in this room for, Daddy?"

She cried before the doctor even touched her. It wasn't a punk-baby cry. It was more of a "here we go with this shit" kind of cry. So the doctor motioned towards her and my daughter reached out and grabbed the pen like "don't even play with me like that." The doctor tried to hold her hand and my daughter swung on her like "bust a move!" So that's when we decided to just immobilize her. I held her arms and put my body weight down on her legs while the nurse held her head steady. The doctor then came in for another approach.

I'm a pretty strong guy so when I tell you that it was difficult to hold her down, please know that it's coming from a sincere place. The girl was like Jack-Jack on The Incredibles. She just turned into this creature. The whole "Wonder Baby" Afro-Spartan strength didn't shock me as much as what followed. She cried like a modern day lynching when they did the first piercing. That I was prepared for. What I didn't anticipate was her reaction to the second piercing. She just stopped crying. It was as if her mutant healing power adapted to the pain and she seriously calmed the hell down. She started speaking to us in some language that's apparently native to her but foreign to us. Perhaps it was Aramaic, hell it could've been Latin. It sounded like whatever that little girl in The Exorcist was speaking. I know for a fact that it wasn't jibberish because she repeated the same series of sounds again. I told myself, that if she levitated in any way that I was safe-dropping her right there in the office. "She's all yours!"

Anyway, the doctor finished and left the room and my daughter actually started laughing as if to say "Is that all the hell you've got?" They gave her some baby Tylenol for the pain (What pain?) and maybe it doped her up a little. All I know is that the whole car ride home she had periods of laughter followed by her growling and gnawing away at the little dangling car seat toys. Whether or not Zool has possessed my child, I don't know, but I've had this bottle of Deer Park sitting on this Bible (homemade Holy Water) for the last three hours and I'm WAITING for her to start quoting the book of Revelation to me.