The Heist

This morning someone tried to rob a bank near DC. Who the hell still robs banks? What, were stage coaches not available? Please tell me the last time a bank heist worked in someone's favor. For those who are short on time, I'll save you a click and just tell you what happened.

Idiot runs up in bank before they open, tries to rob the bank. Cops show up, he grabs an employee and uses her as a human shield. Fifty cops follow him with their guns as he tries to walk out and the dye pack goes off surrounding him in a cloud of smoke like a Prince concert. Then, get this, the fool trips on a mound of snow and lets go of the hostage as he tries to catch his balance. She hauls ass, he chases her with about as much speed as an octogenarian and those fifty cops that I mentioned earlier unload their clips on him. Game over.

I used to work at a bank, actually several. I was a floater which meant that I worked at a different bank basically everyday. Now I hope the FBI isn't reading this, but I'm about to break the teller rule and share with you the inner workings of a bank. First and foremost...

1) This is not a movie. Banks don't have millions of dollars in a vault sitting in neat stacks waiting for some criminal to shove into a duffel bag. The average vault looks like a closet on the inside. The big metal door is just to keep you out. In fact, we kept as little cash as possible just in case someone robbed us.  Even if you had an hour alone inside a bank vault, you wouldn't get anywhere near a million dollars unless you hit some huge branch and those tend to be heavily monitored.

2) Tellers don't have any money either. Tellers keep their money in drawers. These drawers are about the size of a typical register at McDonalds. How much do you think you can fit in one of those? Keep in mind that the average person doesn't withdraw a stack of hundreds. They withdraw tens, twenties, fives and ones. That means more small bills than anything else.

3) The alarm button...I'm guessing that most people who rob banks say something like, don't push the alarm button or I'll kill you. Trust me when I say that no one outside of emergency and military personnel are willing to die for their job. With that said, you could go in a bank, slip a note and get the money with very little chance of the teller tripping the alarm. The cops will still come. Wanna know why?

3a) The alarm isn't just a button. Yeah there is a button to push and Lord knows I've accidentally hit it with my knee, hand, cell phone many a day. There are also buttons inside the drawer under the money. If you were to play Heat and jump over the counter, you could actually trip the alarm yourself by picking up the wrong stack of money. If you accidentally grab the dye pack, that could trip an alarm when it crosses the threshold of the bank door. Also, there are cameras inside the bank that lead to monitors all over the place including upstairs in the employee break room or downstairs in the bathroom. Guess what's next to those monitors? Alarm buttons! So basically you'd need to know what was a dye pack, what was bait money, what was the alarm button and where all the staff was at all times. Good luck with that.

4) If you thought the police were rough...have you ever dealt with the Federal Bureau of Investigation? They lock people up for downloading movies. Movies! What do you think will happen when you take their Uncle's money (Uncle Sam)?

Think of it this way: Everybody knows someone who steals from work. It could be something small like a stapler and paper clips from the office, sneaking a soda or sandwich from a fast food joint or something bigger like taking shoes from foot locker or CDs from Walmart. I'm not condoning any of that, but we all know someone who's done it. You NEVER hear anyone say that their bank-teller-friend stole five bucks from work. You know why? Because tellers know that shit is impossible. If they can't steal money and they work there...imagine what chance you have.

Good luck.