Punk Ass Parents

A friend of mine took off work Monday and Tuesday because her four year old daughter had a fever as a result of a sinus and ear infection. She's a horrible parent. What kind of parent keeps their kid home from school because they're sick? It's just shameful. When I was growing up, you had to be shot in order to stay home and unless they couldn't get the bullet out (and it was resting near a major artery) my mother wasn't taking off to stay home with me. Parents these days are just soft.

I remember when I was three years old (by now you should know that I have an insanely good memory) and I ate a few handfuls of Arm and Hammer laundry detergent. My mother made me drink three big ass glasses of water and then told me to go to sleep. There was no emergency room visit--not even a call to the poison control hotline. My family strongly believes in survival of the fittest. Now, why did I eat laundry detergent? I wasn't a stupid child. My stomach hurt and I thought it was baking soda. You're thinking, what? I know you're wondering what baking soda has to do with a stomach ache. Well, in my family baking soda is penicillin.

When I was eight I ate some undercooked bacon. It caused me to throw up violently two or three times an hour for about six straight hours. Some would call that food poisoning. My grandmother called it a job for baking soda. She stuck a butter knife in box, pulled out a large mound of soda and told me to eat it. Then she gave me a small cup of water and told me to let that sit on my stomach for a while. She left and went around the corner to the liquor store and came back with a bottle of Rock Creek Ginger Ale. For those unfamiliar with the brand, Rock Creek sodas are native to the DC area. They are a mixture of high fructose corn syrup and battery acid. In fact, the Chilean government used three two-liter Rock Creek sodas to cut through the ground to free those miners last year. Anyway, I drank the 16 oz ginger ale and about ten minutes later I threw up one last good time and passed out. I woke up 20 hours later feeling like sunshine.

That not doing it for you? Okay, here's another example. When I was nine I closed my finger in the door and shattered the entire nail bed. My entire finger turned purple. After two days, it appeared to be getting worse. My grandmother soaked my finger in some peroxide, held a sewing needle over an open flame on the stove for a few minutes and then came back and (while simultaneously holding me down) surgically removed the fingernail herself. She bandaged my finger and the next day it was like Jesus with the lepers...I was healed.

I have a lifetime of these stories and none of them involve going to a doctor even though we had full medical insurance. I saw a doctor only for required vaccines and school physicals. If something small happened like, I don't know, falling off my bike without a helmet and slamming my head against a concrete curb, waking up a few minutes later with a bunch of people standing over me asking if I was okay...then my grandmother would just tell me to go sit down somewhere and try not to fall asleep.

The point is ladies and gentlemen of the jury...only bad parents involve doctors in their personal matters. If something hasn't fallen off that can't be sewn back on, then a doctor visit is just a waste of a copay (and PTO).