Right now any old person with a vagina or a penis can have a baby. I think that is totally irresponsible design by the manufacturer. I mean guns are fine if there are no children in the house, but what about the homes with little kids? Well since some of us are just little kids with adult reproductive systems, maybe we need a gun lock. So...
Edict #1: All people must be sterilized at birth
Now I know what you're thinking? How can we continue as a species? I'm not talking permanent sterilization, just the temporary kind. Perhaps the technology doesn't yet exist, but I'm sure the folks at Orthotricyclin and Apple (and maybe a little Google) can come together and make something that's effective yet reversible. It'd be cool if you could control it with a smartphone, but that's another story.
So okay, no one can have kids all willy nilly. What about when they want kids? Well, wanting isn't enough. I hear the gears turning in that big naive heart of yours. You think that if people have control then they will only have them when they want them. You're so cute for that thought, but you're wrong. No, no. We need regulation. You have to be 18 to smoke, 21 to drink and 25 to reproduce. Even then, you have to first go downtown to the Office of Child Production Services and get a license.
Edict #2: The Office of Child Production Services
No one under 25 is allowed to reproduce, period. Even at 25 each mate must present:
- A college diploma (work history may be considered)
- Two pay check stubs
- A copy of your mortgage or lease
- A recent credit report
- Bank statement
- Statement of intent (500 word minimum)
Candidates will be screened carefully over a one year period during which their ability to parent will be considered and compared against current parental benchmark data. Once approved, the reproductive organs will be reactivated and procreation will be authorized for one pregnancy. Following delivery, the organs will be deactivated once again.
So now what do we do with people who actually have kids? Good question. The answer? Not a damn thing. That's right...
Edict#3: There are no incentives for having children
Right now, we try to help families out. It's a nice thing to do, but a lot of people take advantage. A shit-load of people take advantage and we end up with dead beat parents and kids without a future, so no more incentives. When you treat having kids as a luxury and not as a God-given right, you expect a little more responsibility.Things that are gone with the new system:
- Child Support- You came together to make the child, you work together to keep it alive. There are no mediators anymore.
- Tax Credits- You had em, you pay for em.
- Food Stamps- See item the first two statements.
- Section 8/ Low Income Family Housing- Again, see statements one and two.
So what can we do to make sure people don't just abandon their kids? That's where Google, Apple and the implant folks come in...
Edict #4: Implants for everyone!
Each child and parent will have a chip implanted into their cerebral cortex and guess what? Those chips will be linked. When the child feels hungry, a timer will start. If the child's hunger is not satiated within a predetermined amount of time, an electric charge will be sent through the pain receptors of the parent's brain 5-10 times the magnitude of the child's hunger. The same goes for feelings of cold (no clothes) hot (no a/c), and abuse (it really does hurt me more than it hurts you). Since we're big on cracking down on perverts, anyone making sexual contact with a child or family member will have their implant emit a charge powerful enough to fry his brain...completely. No warning shots on that one.
Finally, I know there is one thing racking your brain: How does this relate to school reform?
Edict #5: Adult luxuries are linked to child performance
All tests, quizzes and report cards will feed into one system run by the Office of Child Production Services. This system is also linked with all banks, credit reporting agencies and the ACH payroll system. When a grade of C or lower is picked up by the system, a notice will be sent via email, postal mail and text message to the parent. If the grade is not brought up by the next period applicable punishments will be made to the parent including but not limited to:
- Payroll garnishment
- Suspension of cable television services
- Reduction of credit score in 80 point increments
- Automobile Repossession
- PTO loss
- Denial of any non-generic food purchases at grocery store
These are but a few of the ideas for the new society. Next time we'll discuss the optional adultery deterrent system built into the implant.
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