Where's My Food?

There's always a moment when the reality of a situation sets in. For example, I remember the moment when I realized that I was married. Don't get me wrong, the big thing at the church was a dead giveaway, but it was something happened the next week that really drove the point. Actually, it was two things...

We got married in college at the beginning of the semester, so we didn't have a honeymoon. Married on Saturday, back in class on Monday. I remember sitting in my Economics class that Monday talking to this girl and on her way out the door she handed me her number. I didn't ask for it. I wasn't flirting with the girl. At that exact moment the fourth digit on my left hand started to burn. I could feel the watchful eye of Sauron upon me. A voice whispered in my head, "But they were all of them deceived..." I caught up to her and handed that shit back. "Look, it's not you. I got married over the weekend (internal sobbing)."

But that wasn't the real kicker that said, "Hey, you're married!" For me, it was later in the week when I realized that we were out of Cap'n Crunch. I had just bought some and yet it was magically gone. It's weird when you go from by yourself to incorporating this extra person in your life. Kool-Aid was disappearing at a record pace. "Did you eat my Reese's out the freezer?"

Women hitting on me who wouldn't have given me a second glance pre-marriage, I can deal with. But there's only two goddamned Reese's in a pack. I'm about to file some papers!

(What's your point, Ordale?)

I'm starting to realize that I have a child. If the permanent state of fatigue wasn't enough indication, I'm starting to notice that food isn't stretching as far as it's supposed to. I've been poor for a very long time and with that comes the skill of being able to eyeball a pack of a chicken wings and calculate exactly how many days we can eat off of them.

A $10.04 pack from Whole Foods at $2.99 per lb, will last two full days if the wife and I each get four wings a piece. So, to my surprise the other day, I went to make Day 2's chicken and there were only four wings left. It's almost as if a third person got some chicken wings on Day 1! Why am I re-upping on chicken a day early?

"Who ate the last of the Apple Cinnamon Cheerios?" "Where's that roll of Ritz Crackers that was in the cabinet?" "Where did you put the leftover pancakes from this morning? What do you mean they're gone?"

She's two and a half, and she's 37 inches tall. Where in the hell are you putting two slices of pizza, eight chicken drummettes, and a half cup of peas? And what Children's Advil are you snorting that makes you think that it's okay to scrape the tunafish off my Ritz Crackers and put them in your mouth?

I went grocery shopping on Sunday. It's Thursday and my fridge is empty. I'm very concerned.