Santa Propaganda

Someone posted a status on Facebook about their kid seeing them with one of their unwrapped presents before Christmas. She did what any self respecting parent would do. She lied. In that same vein, here are the top ten lies people told me to keep the Santa thing going. (In no particular order)

1. (My Mother) I know that you already mailed your list to Santa, but he called me at work and said that he didn't get it. He told me to tell you to write another one and give it to me and I"ll take it to him now.

2. (My Mother) Yeah I'm going to the movies but you can't come with me. I'm supposed to meet Santa Claus again and show him your report card. He comes when you're asleep, because any child that sees Santa is banned from getting presents for the rest of their life. If you go with me, you won't be able to get presents ever again.

3. (My Mother) You saw what in the closet? Oh no, that's not yours. Santa Claus ran out of room in his shop and asked some parents to hold on to some toys for him, but if anybody opens or plays with those toys, then he'll punish them by not bringing them anything this year. As a matter of fact, just pretend you didn't even see those. We don't want to risk it. 

4. (My Mother) Oh, we don't need a chimney for Santa Claus to get in. You know how the maintenance people can get in without my key? Well, Santa Claus has his own key that opens everyone's door. Huh? Oh, yeah I take the chain off the door before I go to sleep on Christmas.

5. (My father) Santa Claus brought some stuff over to my house this morning. He said that he didn't see them in the back of the sleigh when he came to your house. They must've fallen out of the bag or something. I told him I'd bring them to you so that he could hurry up and get home before sunrise. The sleigh doesn't work in sunlight. 

6. (Postal worker speaking to my elementary school class) I work directly with Santa Claus. He told me to tell you guys that you don't have to put stamps on the envelopes when you mail your lists. They get to Santa through elf magic. 

7. (My mother) The reason you see different Santas in the mall is because the real Santa Claus is busy making sure the elves pack up the toys correctly. He sends different people out to represent him and report back. That's why you see black ones in the black malls and white ones downtown. 

8. (My grandmother) Yeah, Jesus knows Santa Claus. They're friends. He used to bring Jesus presents when he was little. 

9. (My grandmother) I guess he doesn't bring grown people presents because he figures that you ought to have a job and be able to buy your own presents when you get grown. 

10. (My mother) ____ is about to come over here. You know ____ is bad as hell, so Santa Claus didn't bring him nothing. Don't go running your mouth talking about what Santa Claus gave you when they get over here either. Matter of fact, take all the stuff you don't want him to break and put it in my room under the bed. Get that cheap stuff that ____ gave you and pretend that's all you got. It came from the Dollar Store anyway so if he breaks it, I can go buy you another one.