The Story of Bob

I just saw a McDonald's commercial that reminded me of an old friend named Bob (not his real name). He's filed away in my memory under "Appearances Are Deceiving." I thought about some of the random things that I observed and figured I'd write a post about him.

Bob was a friend of a friend. When I first met him several alarms went off (something I'd learn that Bob was good at). We were all having a conversation about some cop show and Bob's ability to shoot down the realism of the show was...interesting. He had this intricate knowledge of police and court procedures that would put the late Johnny Cochran to shame. One only gains that kind of knowledge through experience, and MAN, did Bob have experience.

In fact, he got arrested the first week that I met him. I was walking home and saw a bunch of cop cars. As I got closer I saw Bob sitting on the curb in bracelets. He saw me and shrugged his shoulders as if to say, "Yeah, they got me. What can you do, huh?" With armed robbery among the list of charges, I assumed that it would be a while before I'd see him again. Nope. Two days later he was sitting at the bus stop eating a box of chicken. He explained arraignments and bail to me about as casually as you'd tell someone the time. And so began our friendship.

I've known a lot of career criminals, but I never met one like Bob. It was his nonchalance about the whole thing that intrigued me. Some people boast about the stuff they do. Bob saw it as just a way of life and that fascinated me. I had no interest in what he was talking about. In fact, in the beginning I did my best to avoid him at all costs. One day he saw me walking down the street and decided he would walk with me since we were going to the same store. The whole way I just assumed that I was being photographed by some member of law enforcement perched on a roof or hiding in a van somewhere. I kept thinking, "Now I'm a 'known associate' of Bob." No, I didn't find the stories themselves interesting, just the guy telling them.

I read something once that said "Even warlords go home and tuck their kids in at night." Bob was far from that, but he was the same guy who would steal a car and then offer me a ride to work."Yo, it's raining. Why do you wanna walk?" I'd explain, "Listen, I appreciate it, but the fact that your 'uncle's' car is missing an ignition and there's a screwdriver on the floor makes me think that we'd have a hard time explaining it to the police." He'd just laugh and drive off. The next day it'd be his "cousin's" car and I'd have to go through it all over again. On the one hand, he was a criminal, but on the other hand he was considerate.

One day we were going to play basketball and he wanted to stop at McDonald's first. I told him that I was broke and I'd eat when I went home. I sat down at a table while he got in line. He came back with two Extra Value Meals, two apple pies, two sundaes and a double cheeseburger. He took the cheeseburger and one of the sodas and pushed the rest over to me. He said he felt bad because I never eat when we go out and he knows it's because my family doesn't have any money. I tried to refuse it, but he said that he didn't do it out of pity, but to thank me for helping him with "that stuff with Jane" last week.

Jane (not her real name) was his ex-girlfriend. One day I ran into him on the street and he was crying. Like... boo-hoo crying. I didn't even know he had tear ducts. Even when he was laughing he frowned, so to see this stone cold guy who talks about sticking people up crying was baffling. I figured that his entire family must've just gotten killed...at the same time. That was the only thing that could make someone like that cry. Nope. "Jane broke up with me. She said I'm crazy." (He was)

For the next few days I had to really summon my powers of psychology in order to convince him not to shoot her. He didn't want to kill her. He loved her way too much, but his logic (if you can call it that) was to put on his mask and gloves and to shoot her in the leg or arm one night on her way home from work. He was going to make it look like a robbery and then run through the alley by her house. Then he was going to ditch the gun, gloves and mask, then put on a change of clothes that he'd have waiting in the alley and run around the block and "rescue" a wounded Jane. That, in his mind, would make her love him again, because he would've gotten her to the hospital on time. (You can't make this stuff up)

I don't know if it's a bad reflection on him or a bad reflection on me that it took an entire week to convince him that his plan was flawed. Either way, he eventually saw the err of his ways. They reconciled without him having to shoot her and the meal at McDonald's was a thank you from him to me.

I'm approaching 1,000 words, so I'll cut this short. He was a good friend. He's still alive, although I haven't seen him in a while. He got locked up for robbing a cleaners or something. It was either that or sticking up a cop. I can't remember. He had so many pending cases, that they just ended up putting him under the jail. But every time I see a McChicken meal, I think about him.