Dear Whoever You Are

Dear Whoever You Are,

I don't  know who you are, but you come to my site everyday. For the past week, you've come several times a day. Yesterday you sat and read eleven of my posts. Don't worry, I'm not stalking you. There's a "statistics" feature that I can see. Big shot bloggers use this to get advertising revenue. It doesn't show who you are, so you're safe. It only shows your IP address and what you click on. You make me feel like a really crappy blogger, because I feel like you've been coming in vain this past week.

Believe it or not, I have about 50 saved drafts that were all scheduled to go out at some point or another. But they really really sucked. The one I wrote last night was just a chore to proofread. The truth is that I'm getting a divorce and whether I've decided to dance around the bonfire, run away, or carry a torch (allusion to a previous post, just for you)...it still takes a lot out of you. We are talking about fire after all.

My daughter also has a few serious things going on. If I had to pick, I think I'd rather go through the fire thing again instead of this.  What's the movie where they say that every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings? I think that's from It's A Wonderful Life. Well, every time a shitty father strikes, every time a father forgets a birthday or leaves his kid waiting in the window for him to show up, every time a shitty dad does something to earn his crown...I get a tingle inside that tells me I'm not doing enough. I get this feeling that, even if I'm in the middle of feeding ducks with her down by the Monument, it still isn't enough.

It's always been that way. Maybe that's how all decent parents feel. All I know is that I've felt like that from day one and then I turn around get some bad news about her and it makes me feel like I didn't do enough. I missed something somewhere. I got tired and didn't see something when I should've. It just...I can't explain it. You have to be in the situation to get it, I suppose.

The point of this post (that I apologetically acknowledge has gone off track) is to say that there are once again some life issues going on, but I'm still alive. And more than anything, I really do appreciate the support even if there isn't a blog post to show it. (this shouldn't count. this sucks too. Who puts punctuation inside parentheses?)

Thank You,

Me