Parallel Worlds

Here's a breakdown of today's events...in two different universes.

Universe 1

I'm 29, I have NO children. It's gonna be a nice day today. I wanna enjoy it but I have things to do. I need to go grocery shopping, hit up Target and do laundry.

At 10 AM I drag the clothes to the laundry room, put them in the washer and set the timer on my phone for 32 minutes. I then run to the car, drive down the street to the grocery store, do my shopping, come home and put everything up just as the timer is going off for me to go switch the clothes over.

At 10:32 AM I've just started the clothes in the dryer, I set the timer on my phone for one hour and I run to the car, drive to Target, shop, come home and put everything up just as the timer for the dryer is going off.

At 11:35 AM I'm done with all my errands and I have the rest of the day to myself.

Universe 2

I'm 29. I have one child, not an army of children, not 17 and counting, it's not Ordale and the wife plus 8. It's just one friggin child. It's a nice day, I wanna enjoy it, but I have things to do. I need to go grocery shopping, hit up Target and do laundry.

At 10 AM I drag the clothes to the laundry room. The child takes off running the other direction down the hall. I put the clothes in the washer, the child starts taking them out. I put the clothes back in the washer, the child tries to escape the laundry room. This repeats for a while.

I set the timer on my phone for 30 minutes and get ready to go to the grocery store. The child starts making the "I have to use the bathroom face." I take her to the pot and she says she doesn't have to go. I begin a CIA style interrogation. "We know you really have to go. We have ways of making you go." The child breaks down and eventually goes. I then get the child dressed...again. I now have ten minutes left on my timer which isn't nearly enough time to go to the store and back. So we wait.

At 10:45 the clothes are ready to be switched over. The child plays hide and seek rather than following orders to leave the apartment. We eventually switch the clothes over. The child again plays the game of taking the clothes out of the dryer as I put them in. This goes on for a while.

11AM, we get ready to head out to the grocery store. One hour is on the timer. I can't find the child's shoe. "Where is your shoe? We have ways of making you talk." The child becomes a special forces agent and is unfazed by interrogation. At 11:15 we find the shoe, but now the sock is missing from her foot. I get a new pair. The child is now dressed fully at 11:19. We're ready to go. The child says, "Ap-ple?" I scoff. "You are not hungry. I just fed you!" The child rebuts, "Ap-ple?" I give the child an apple and we leave. A minor scuffle ensues during the "get in the car seat" moment. We make it to the grocery store, shop, the child is angered over me not buying "Dora the Explorer" related products (fruit roll ups, cereal, other things no way related to the show).

Trying to bring the bags in the house and keep the child from running away proves to be a challenge. We get back, it's now 11:56. Four minutes left on the timer. We get the clothes and now it's time to go to Target. "Chick-en? me Chick-en? Ap-ple? Chick-en? Me?" The child is hungry again. After feeding her, cleaning her up changing her clothes and fighting her to leave the house it is now 1:14 PM. We hit traffic on the way to Target and I turn around and go back home.

It is now 1:45, I'm tired. I don't feel like doing anything. It doesn't matter that it's a beautiful day. I have no intentions of going outside ever again with this child.

And that ladies and gentlemen is a day in the life of me.