A Message From Superman

My Fellow Americans,

For years I have lived among you as your protector, Superman. I've saved you from outside threats, natural disasters and, sadly, from each other. The demands of being Superman are greater than even I can withstand, so I have long kept secret my alternate persona. It provided me with an escape from the demands of the job and allowed me to have a life of my own from time to time.

For years I've retreated to being Clark Kent, mild mannered reporter for The Daily Planet, whenever possible. Why am I revealing this today? Well, no enterprise was hit as hard during the recession as the printed newspaper industry. The internet is kryptonite to the newspaper world and the iPad was basically the nail in the coffin. Less than a week after the announcement of the iPad 2, my entire department was laid off. Having no marketable skills outside of journalism, I've had little luck finding another permanent job.

There were a few temp jobs here and there but each of them ended unfavorably as I could not explain my frequent absences from my desk, extended breaks and general tardiness. Being Superman has made Clark Kent impossible to maintain. I was recently evicted for failure to pay rent and, lest I become one of the very criminals that I work so hard to stop, something has to change. And I'm starting with the dissolution of Clark Kent.

I'm pleased to announce that Superman is going public. Consider this my IPO as I enter the world of private contracting. My service to the public will continue to be free, however the hours will be scaled back for a while. Effective immediately I'm available for a variety of private sector services.

Construction

The average building project takes a year. Cranes and bulldozers are designed to mimic human arms on a grander scale but they lack the finesse which is why it takes so long to get a building up. Well, I can lift more steel beams than any crane in existence and my speed is rivaled only by light. Imagine your skyscraper going from blueprint to finished product in ten minutes. I'm talking foundation, structure, electrical, plumbing and furnishing in just ten minutes. I can even import your luxury desks directly from the factory regardless of which continent it's on.

Freight Delivery

Imagine your entire product line sitting on a dock for a day waiting to be loaded onto a cargo ship where it'll take another week or two to reach its destination. Sound familiar? Not only can I take your container directly to its final destination, I can carry the whole ship and drop off every crate.

Space Exploration

Billions of tax dollars go into NASA each year and every year we get the same piss poor results: Delayed shuttle launches, problems with the Hubble Telescope and maybe a set of napkins get delivered to the space station. For half of NASA's annual budget, I'll fly up anything you have and I'll even assemble the space station myself.

Maps

I've saved the best for last. Prior to this press conference, I did a few laps around the Earth. Using my Xray vision, I took the liberty of drawing a few maps. Map number one is the location of every major undiscovered oil field on the planet. Number two is the location and depth of every single diamond, gold and silver mine that hasn't been tapped and number three is the location of every weapon of mass destruction. The bidding will begin at $50 billion per map. I only accept Paypal.

Thank you, Goodnight and God Bless the United States of America.