Keep the Lottery to Yourself

Are you kidding me!?

I don't know how much you fine folks follow the news, but per CNN.com a nice fellow won a million dollars in the lottery out in Chicago and died a month later. Although initially ruled "natural causes," following the insistence of an anonymous relative, a further investigation deemed it a homicide by cyanide poisoning.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is why I'm not telling a single soul when I win (AOL KEYWORD: WHEN). I'm not even telling my wife. The first thing she's gonna do is go to work the next day, which in and of itself makes no sense to me. We had this conversation a long time ago when NC finally got a lottery and she said something along the lines of, "I'd still work." Depending on how I feel at that moment, I might be so inclined to at least call and tell them I'm not coming back. But to actually go in and do stuff...please.

Anyway, she'll go to work and then she'll tell someone. She's from The South and still believes in the kindness of strangers, hope for mankind and all of that jazz. I've tried to shake her off that whole "happiness" thing, but it's stuck. She's the kind of person who shows up to work in the morning smiling and singing sans-coffee. Weird. The next thing you know, someone's gonna be holding her for ransom and my little bit of money will be gone. So, she can't know.

I'm signing my ticket, taking a picture with it, putting it in a Zip-loc bag, then putting that bag inside a CD Jewel Case and then putting that inside a fireproof safe. Then I'm gonna stand watch in front of that safe all night with a shotgun. The next day, I'm calling a lawyer and having him go with me to a better lawyer who will set up a blind trust so that we can claim the ticket anonymously.

Days will go by and you'll keep getting the same Broke Phi Broke blog posts that you're used to, but they will ever so slowly diminish in quality. That's because I'm gonna write about a year's worth of them during that night that I'm sitting up with the shotgun standing guard. The next thing you know, there will be a message saying the domain name for this site has expired and you'll just be left to wonder if things got so bad financially that I couldn't scrape together $10 to renew the domain.

I'll tell my wife that I applied to a job for her. A few days later she'll get a call from some actor who'll direct her to an office space that I will have rented out and staffed with other actors. She'll accept the job that she gets and have a going away party at work. I'll offer to drive her to her new job for her first day and we'll go straight to the airport. We'll fly away to a beach somewhere and figure out a lie to tell our friends and family, because I don't trust them either. lol