Night School Dentist

I'm on my way to a new dentist. Everybody say a quick prayer to little baby Jesus for me. I don't have the general fear of dentists that most people have. How can I if I started "investing" in them when I was five? (Investing=giving them a bunch of money to pay for their kids' college) Still, I worry about going on what amounts to a blind date with a complete stranger who has miniature power tools.

My first memorable trip to the dentist occurred when I was five. He basically asked me if I brushed my teeth with sugar because I had eight cavities. Several fillings, crowns and extractions later I was a certified dental assistant. At least that's what the nitrous oxide told me. It's amazing how quickly that dental assistant changed her tune from "just hold my hand" to "okay he's hurting me, give him the gas." All of a sudden, I didn't have a care in the world. The dots on the ceiling started moving in tune to the Gummi Bears theme song and I looked over out the window and saw that the sky was purple and the two buildings across the street leaned over and smiled at me.

Those were good times. Then my mother either took a pay cut or just decided to try a new dentist for the hell of it. We went to some back alley nigga who had an office over top of a liquor store in a strip mall. I went in for a cleaning and came out with three of my teeth in a bank withdrawal envelope.

I was about ten years old. I went in for a cleaning and two of my teeth were loose. They were the crowns (caps) I'd gotten a year or two before. One was real loose where I could turn it around (you know how you do as a kid). The other was just starting to wiggle a little, but had a month or so left. So anyway, I go to Leroy the dentist and he cleans my teeth. Then before it's time to go, my mother tells me that he's gonna "hook us up" and pull out my loose teeth for free. I didn't want my teeth removed. They were still working.

I tried to explain to Otis the Dentist that I was missing three adult teeth under the jaw. He told me that didn't make sense and told my mother I was just nervous. Trying to flirt and practice dental work will get you killed in the streets, but Rollo the Dentist wouldn't listen. "My last dentist said that I was born with all the baby teeth, but three adult teeth will never come in." My mother made me let him pull my teeth and when Cleofus was done he tried to prove me wrong by doing some X-rays.

"Oh" is all that back alley nigga had to say as he stared at the x-ray in between giving me the "I done fucked up" glances. Then he tried to rationalize it as "well they had to come out eventually anyway right?" and told me he'd go ahead and let me keep the teeth. Not "keep" as in put them back in, but "keep" as in reached into his desk drawer and pulled out a used bank envelope that tellers give you to put your money in and put my three teeth into it.

To this day I have spaces between my teeth where Roscoe the dentist pulled out my teeth early and the rest spread apart to fill the space.
dratsab