The Great Kool-Aid Caper

So one night me and my friend Kory were leaving the corner store headed for home when we hear what sounded like a gun cock and hear some dude say, "Where the money at?" Now I'm no criminal, but this had to be the world's dumbest criminal. I would think that the first thing you say to someone, especially if you're not wearing a mask, is "don't turn around." Since he didn't say that, we turned around.

Turning around allowed us to see that he was by himself, about 5'3" and very skinny. Kory looked at me giving me the "let's jump him" look. There was still the matter of the gun, so I gave him the "I aint tryin to get shot" look. That brings me to my next point: Where is your gun? He had on a long green army coat and had his hands inside the sleeve so we couldn't see if he had a gun or not. Typically, I think you should always lead with showing the gun. I would make the argument that a career criminal knows that if you don't show a gun then technically it isn't armed robbery and you get a lesser charge if you get caught, but he was an idiot and I doubt he knew that. In all likelihood he probably didn't have a gun, but rule #1 of the city is "Don't take any chances." So I tried to be hospitable and make our new thief feel welcomed.

I asked him some open ended questions. "What money?" El Stupido says, "Nigga don't play, gimme that wallet." So I take my wallet out, hand it to him and, rather run away, he decides to go through it right there on the spot. In my mind I'm thinking, "Sir, we no longer have your full attention. You aren't even looking at us and holding my wallet while holding your imaginary gun would probably put you at a disadvantage." I didn't say that though. You never want to be rude to your attacker. Meanwhile Kory is really giving me the "Let's jump this nigga" look. Not right now.

So he goes through my wallet, throwing my license, school lunch card and metro farecard on the ground. Finally he gets frustrated and throws the whole wallet down. I keep thinking to myself, those are metro checks. There's like $80 worth right there. You could sell em for half value and get at least $40. What's wrong with you? He then gets angry and his voice starts to sound like Pinky from Next Friday. "Ooooh you niggas think I'm stupid." (Yes, sir we do.) "I saw you come out the store and put a wad of cash in your pocket. If I have to go in your pockets and get it myself, Imma kill both of you."

At "wad of cash" I started laughing inside. I said to him, "We don't have any money, that's why we went to the store. We didn't have enough money to buy a soda, so we bought some Kool-Aid!" I slowly reach in my pocket and pull out five packs of Kool-Aid. It's rare that you get to stand witness to the moment that someone's dreams come crashing down all at once. The look on his face said that he was now starting to doubt his future in crime. Maybe he thought he was the next Rayful Edmond or Frank Lucas, but in that moment he was just a dumb ass.

"Man fuck you niggas!" and he ran away down the street never to be seen again. I picked up my wallet, my $80 in metro checks and we went home and made some Kool-Aid.

[caption id="attachment_1883" align="alignnone" width="300" caption="Maybe this makes you rich in prison"][/caption]