Criminal of the Month

I've written about this before but someone out there missed the message, so let me say this again. STOP ROBBING BANKS!

I wrote about stupid criminals, but this week's criminal of the month goes to the guy in PG County who is robbing banks by slipping a note to the teller saying that he has a...wait for it...

Nuclear Bomb

That's right. This dude is robbing banks saying that he will detonate a nuke if they don't empty the drawer. So many thoughts on this one. Where do I begin? I'm gonna have to use some strong and offensive language, so shield your children.

Nigga have you lost your damned mind?

Let's think this one through, okay. There's a country in the Middle East called Iran. They make hundreds of billions of dollars a year selling their oil to the rest of the world. With all that money, they JUST developed nuclear technology and they STILL don't have a nuclear weapon. You're telling me that your broke ass, and I assume you're broke because you're robbing a Capital One in a strip mall, has not only discovered nuclear technology but also managed to harness the power of enriched uranium to create a nuclear weapon. Bravo nigga! Bravo!

So let me follow you down this train of implausibility. You are the first dude from the hood to build a weapon of mass destruction. It's easily worth billions of dollars on the black market, yet you've decided to keep it for yourself and do what exactly? Use it as leverage to rob a bank? Not just any bank, a Capital One which is the McDonald's of banks. You'd be lucky to get a drawer full of coupons outta there. So you've now robbed a Capital One. What is your next move?

You see, you just fucked up. You managed, with your vast Mensa-worthy intelligence, to recreate the Manhattan Project in your living room without raising any suspicion from the FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, DC Police, Metro police, or any other government agency. It's not like you can just buy uranium from Home Depot. The government tends to know where that shit is at all times. Maybe you had a cousin on the inside. Hell, maybe you mined it out of the ground yourself. Who knows? What I do know is that you just killed the element of surprise by not only revealing your marvel of technological might, but by also giving the FBI pictures of your dumb ass when you walked into the bank.

You sir are an idiot. Too many elements of stupidity and intelligence have to converge for your threat to seem plausible to even the dumbest bank teller. The only reason the tellers gave you the money, and trust me I know because I used to be a bank teller, is because you asked for it. I'm not endorsing bank robberies, but having worked at a bank where one of the tellers was killed, I find it a better option to share this secret so that more people don't have to die: You don't need a gun to rob a bank. You just have to ask for the money. All tellers are trained to comply whether they see a direct threat or not. You could simply just walk in with a note and they'll give you the money. That's why you got the money.

Unfortunately for you, you just threatened to blow up a whole city. I'm certain when the FBI finds you (and they will find you because you are obviously not that bright) your charges are gonna be a lot higher.

[caption id="attachment_1892" align="alignnone" width="296" caption="Congratulations Criminal of the Month Feb 2012"][/caption]