Charles Edward Manson Cheese.

Before yesterday, the last time I'd actually set foot inside a Chuck E Cheese was when I was eight years old. Back then, Chuck E Cheese was "the shit." It was like a crack house for kids. Get hyped up on sodas and pizza and then expel all that energy by running around and doing whatever the hell you wanted. When you leave, trade your couch for drugs trade your tickets for prizes and pass out in the car.

My how things change with age.

Twenty one years later, Chuck E Cheese is the second circle of hell. It's where you go to be reminded of just how much you hate children. When you first have kids you mistakenly think that the love you feel for them extends to other children. Maybe you're out shopping alone one day and you see a kid who does something cute that reminds you of your child and you think, "Aw, I love children."

Don't believe the hype.

The same way that a lion cub looks cute and cuddly at the zoo but ferocious as hell on National Geographic is exactly what happens at Chuck E Cheese. You get to see kids in their natural habitat. Right off the bat, the party started with one of the kids walking up to the table with his lip busted crying that another little kid knocked him down.  Just trying to walk around and find something that my daughter could play made me feel like I was at a damned lynching. It was like all the kids in there were trying out for defensive tackle.They run into you at full speed and if you show the slightest bit of offense they look at you like a basketball wife.
Did you just call me a non-motherfucking factor?

The adults in Chuck E Cheese just look defeated or depressed. That's something I never noticed as a kid. What the hell was my mother doing while I was having so much fun? Well now I know. The adults sit over at the table eating what's left of that nasty ass pizza that you don't want and thinking about how they're not having any more kids. Notice I said "adults" and not "parents." Some of the parents in there were about five years older than their kids. My mother had me at fifteen so I know I shouldn't talk, but I saw parents playing in the little play area with the kids and looked like they were having more fun. On the other end of the spectrum were the dudes who thought this was the yard or something posted up in the corner. How are you gonna be a thug in Chuck E Cheese?

Anyway, it was a very enlightening experience.

Chuck E Cheese, where a kid can be a kid and an adult can be depressed.