Beyonce the HomeWrecker

The Beyonce special is on TV and the wife is watching. If one of us were a different gender then this wouldn't be a problem, but my wife is a woman and I'm a man. That means that there's tension already. You have no idea what I'm going through right now.

Women--even her biggest fans--hate Beyonce. It's like they're all agents and she's Neo from the Matrix. She represents the anomaly, the unexplained occurrence that pisses them the hell off. Take my wife for example: After the concert she said, "That bitch is perfect. I couldn't find one flaw on her ass."

Women exist in the realm of "Beauty, talent, success: Pick one." Beyonce is Neo and they have to kill that broad. LOL So here I am in the house listening to my wife saying stuff like, "I find comfort in the fact that she'll be thirty before me." I have to walk the tightrope of watching the show that my wife wants to see without falling victim to the siren's song. I have to look interested in the show, without looking interested in Beyonce.

I failed horribly the last time we played this game. I took her to a Beyonce concert and unfortunately we had pretty good seats. She came out half naked and I kept my composure. I swear to God she looked at me like five times and I kept my cool. But then she lifted up on some wires and landed on a satellite stage a few feet away from us and I got to see her up close and personal and that was just it.

Time slowed down. It was like that Rick James sketch on Dave Chappelle. No lie, I saw Beyonce's aura. I looked in her eyes and it was a rap. I love my wife to death, but at that moment in time, I couldn't tell you what her name was if you offered me a million dollars. My wife caught me gawking and although she "gave me a pass" I haven't stopped hearing about it since. (Secretly, that shit was worth it. That woman is fucking gorgeous.)

Anyway, I'm trying to do better this go round, so when she asks stupid questions like, "What do you think of that outfit she has on," I know to just say something like, "I wouldn't let our daughter go out in something like that, I don't care how much money she made." Deflection, my good friends...it is the cornerstone to a happy marriage.

God damn you Beyonce for trying to break up my shit.