Jack.

Well this will be quick. I have two minutes to go to bed and still get eight hours of sleep. Wish me luck. Anyway...Guess what I did this weekend.

I had whiskey for the very first time. Guess what else I did this weekend. I had whiskey for the very last time. Now if you're just tuning in then you missed the post I wrote a few years ago talking about what it was like being the only person I knew who didn't drink.

I went something like, "Blah blah blah, I don't drink because I don't really like the taste of alcohol. I have no moral opposition to it. It just isn't for me."

Then...my daughter left the (totally under appreciated) "I can't move on my own" stage. Many a naive parent mistakenly believes that their kids will be "more fun" once they learn to walk and (I laugh most about this one now) talk. So yeah...I drink now. Because I waited so long to join the club, wine was doing it for me. Occasionally I'd go to a Yelp event where they give out free drinks, but I'm pretty certain that those are watered down.

My host this weekend seemed to take special pleasure in the knowledge that I know nothing about nothing. I sat there and drank it like it was a soda. Then came the warning, "You're supposed to sip, not gulp!" But it was too late. You know that cliche action scene where there's some large metal door slowly descending and the hero has to run to get to it and then slide Indiana Jones-style under it? Well that's what I felt inside my head. I felt the alcohol slowly lowering down through me, and I knew that once it reached the bottom...Nothing but bad times would follow.

I'm a horrible drinking buddy. I'm a nerd, and like most nerds I believe that I have a really powerful brain. About 90% of my brain power is used to keep my thoughts at bay, because...I'm a nerd. The whiskey turned that off. You know the first thought that popped in my head?

"Hmm, I feel inebriated. Let me count how often I blink. I imagine that my glossy eyes will somehow have a bearing on my blinking. Yep...blinking more than average.The room is tilting left to right. I know this isn't really happening, but it feels so real. Perhaps the part of my brain that is perceiving this artificial vertigo could be tapped into for virtual reality simulators and flight training. I'm too drunk to consider patenting that. Now I wonder what effect a gyroscope would have on my perception of balance. If I could stare at the gyroscope and see that it is not moving, then perhaps my sense of balance would return..."

Yeah. Who the hell wants to drink around that guy? So...that's pretty much all I have to say for now. I'm going to bed.