Three's Company

I was supposed to write this last night, but I was too tired. I was so tired that I woke up an hour late this morning and had to rent a Zipcar to get my daughter to school on time. I'm never late, so that says something. So what happened? What crazy shenanigans did my daughter pull to make me so tired? Believe it or not, nothing. This time it's not on her.

Yesterday I went on what I can only describe as a family test drive. A friend of mine invited my daughter to a birthday party and we tagged along with her and her two kids, ages 4 and 4 months. I used to want three kids. Then yesterday happened. Now, I MIGHT want three kids. To steal this simile from a friend: it was like trying to herd squirrels.

First we went to Target to get a birthday present. It was weird walking in there with three kids. When it's just me and my daughter, I get admiring stares from everyone. "Hey, there's a young brother taking care of his responsibility." Yesterday, I had two in the shopping cart that I was pushing, and my friend was pushing the baby in a second cart beside me. I may be exaggerating a tad, but people knelt as I passed. Maybe it was out of sheer reverence for what they misinterpreted as a family of five, or it could be that they felt I was due a kind gesture for what was about to come.

Kids will never be as well mannered as they are when you start going down a toy aisle. They'll also never be as "put-up-for-adoption-able" as they are when it starts to sink in that you're not going to buy them anything. I had one trying to jump out the cart while another one was reaching hard trying to use The Force to will a toy into her hand.

We eventually made it to the superhero-themed party. My friend's daughter went as Robin. I refuse to buy anything else this year, so my daughter went in her Doc MacStuffins outfit and I told the other kids she was a supervillain from the pharmaceutical industry, Dr. Evil. The party was at Anacostia Park, so that's where most of my energy was depleted. We ran around for what seemed like ever. My friend (pure genius) was happy to let me entertain the kids while she caught up with her friends.

Half of the time was spent trying not to seriously maim the 11 year olds trying to play stunt-football on the little kids' playground. One of them walked up to my daughter on top of one of the platforms, and I believe it was his intention to push her out of the way as his lips began to form the word "move." I honestly can't tell you what happened next. I saw his mouth form the "m" sound, but by the time he got to "oov" I was in front of him. Maybe I have my own superpower. What happened next can't be told until the statute of limitations passes, but we had no more problems out of him.

We stayed another hour or so, and I ran around trying to entertain the two of them before spending time with the baby. I wanted to see if I really could go through that phase again. I think I could, not that it's up to me. If I do end up getting married again, I know that I could do at least one more. My daughter started off as a twin, but she ate the other one in utero. Assuming lightning strikes twice (minus the Highlander womb fight), I THINK I could do two more.