Today I go to The Wizard (or The Wiz if you're feeling ethnocentric) to see if he can give me some new blood. I'd ask for a new heart, but I've already had "minor" heart surgery once already. Not a fan. Sure, it's all fun and games until the painkillers wear off. One minute you're high out of your mind telling the nurse that some day (and that day may never come) you'll call upon her to do a service for you. The next thing you know, you're curled in the fetal position at 2 in the morning trying to summon the overnight nurse with your mind because your chest hurts too bad to yell and breathing hurts even more. Still, nothing hurts as bad as that $200k medical bill, although I have to agree that I'm worth every penny.
No, I think I'll skip asking for a heart. What I really want is a return on my investment with all of this healthy eating. Now don't call me ungrateful, because it could very well be possible that the only reason I'm still alive is because I changed up my diet years ago after watching Super Size Me. Still, I can't help but wonder why I seemed to be in perfect health when my diet consisted primarily of mumbo sauce and fatback. Could it be possible that I'm some rare breed of Southeast-ian who needs unhealthy food to survive?
When I was little I remember feeling down and lethargic many a day, but a quick trip to the ice cream truck and (a pack of Cheetos Paws, a pack of Now-and-Laters, one Chick-o-stick, one Trix Pop and a Little Hug aka Gummy Beary Juice later) I had unlimited energy. Going to play freeze tag after that was like watching the Crackhead Olympics...nobody lost/got frozen because nobody got caught.
Then again, that era was fraught with unexplained headaches, depression, blurred vision, heart palpitations and constipation. It could all just be a random coincidence. We'll never know because I had a shitty insurance plan called Group Health which was the precursor to Kaiser. Their solution to everything was to keep a log.
"So the other day I was coughing up blood and my mommy said I should come in."
"Hmm. That's unusual. The next time it happens write it down."
"I can't see out of one of my eyes."
"If your vision comes back, write down what you were doing at that moment and I'll look at it."
Ah, good times. Anyway, fast forward to today and I'm anxiously awaiting this appointment. I just feel blessed that I have money for a copay. I remember blacking out one day in high school just as I was running up the stairs in the hallway. It only lasted a second, but long enough for me to go tumbling down the stairs. I considered that a "log-worthy" moment.
This was back in the day when DCPS decided to save money by not having the school nurses come everyday. I didn't plan my random blackout accordingly, so she wasn't there. I told the Dean of Students who said I just wanted to get out of class (her educator heart was two sizes too small), so then I told the Gym Teacher and she said that I should talk to the sports trainer (who DCPS could afford everyday but not a nurse). He said he had no idea and told me I should go to the doctor.
I went to the payphone and scheduled my own appointment at Kaiser. I wrote up a note to leave school and signed my mother's name on it and then caught the bus to the doctor. It was there that I was told that I couldn't be seen because I didn't have my $10 copay. I told the woman that I was a minor and thought it was an emergency and asked to be billed later. She told me to go to an emergency room if it was a real emergency. I told her I had eight dollars and asked if she could spot me two. She said she wasn't allowed to do that. So I left and went back to school.
Years later, when the heart surgery thing came up, I was asked by a cardiologist, "Did you ever have heart palpitations or black out growing up?"
"Yep."
"Did you tell anyone?"
"I kept a log."
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