24

But it's been no bed of roses, no pleasure cruise. I consider it a challenge before the whole human race and I aint gonna lose...

OH MY GOD! At the time of this writing it is 9:08PM Sunday April 21, 2013 the year of our Lord. I have everything from We Are the Champions to gospel songs playing in my head. I just finished my first weekend alone with my daughter since she was born. If you're reading this and a single parent...I kneel before Zod. Good Lord! As a matter of fact, add that Jay-Z song "Oh My God" to the list of things playing in my head with the woman screaming in the chorus, "Good Lord (bump) Good Lord (bump) Good Lord (bump) Good Lord...said I feel like I'm dying!"

Now let's backtrack a bit for those just tuning in. Long before 'The Fall' I was a stay at home dad. I'm not the stereotypical man who gets a dose of reality when the mommy is gone for a while. To the contrary, my 918 days of stay at home dad-ness has made me a hall of famer when it comes to parenting. BUT...there was always a relief pitcher. There was somebody I could tag into the ring in the evenings. At 6:15 every night, I clocked out. I've never done a 24 hour shift before by myself, let alone two freaking days.

It all began Friday. Somebody called me right after my daughter fell asleep around 9:00 and I knew that I should've just gone to bed, but a part of me feels like "oldness" wins if I go to bed before 11PM. Pride cometh before the fall. I watched the clock and I did that thing that people usually do the night before work. "If I go to sleep right now, I'll get X hours of sleep." I lied to myself and said that my daughter was super tired and would sleep at least until eight. Bullshit.

6:00 AM Saturday Morning"Tiger Uppercut!"
That's what she should've said. Instead she said, "Daddy!" The voice of an angel accompanied by three part harmony of my rib, lung and her fist/foot/something connecting. I can't know for sure, but if I replay it in my mind, then she had to have been jumping on the bed for a while to get the kind of height needed to land on me with that kind of force.

Anyway, that's how my weekend began. With a bang and a whimper. I was then instructed "Cook. Breakfast. Cook. Grits? Sausage? Cook?" The rest of the day is a blur, which is very sad considering it was YESTERDAY. I just remember being tired for most of it. I assumed that being up at six guaranteed a nap around noon. Nope. She sat in her bed singing negro spirituals until about 1:30 when I dozed off. I woke up at 2:30 and she was just nearing a crescendo. I don't remember much else, except learning from my mistakes and going to bed directly after her.

6:02AM Sunday Morning
She let me sleep in an extra two minutes. She was feeling merciful, I guess. It didn't last. I woke up to the Tiny Toon Adventures theme song being sang directly into my ear canal at about 200 decibels higher than the human ear can tolerate. I just stared at her. There was nothing else to do in that situation that won't get you put in jail. I just stared. She smiled and said, "Watch rabbits?"

Somehow I made it to the living room. Somehow grits, smoked sausage and a banana appeared on the table before her. I returned to the table with my bowl of grits only to see her bowl empty and her hands reaching up for my bowl. "Grits?" I handed her the bowl, she took my sausage too and then I just sat there and ate tasteless, flavorless Grape Nuts.

I was instructed to read every Fly Guy book that we have in addition to every Dr Seuss book. Then we watched Tiny Toons. Then we did some flash card app on the iPad because she thinks I'm the illiterate one. Then my desperation said, "Check the clock. It's gotta be time for her nap. It's gotta be noon." The devil is a liar. It was 9:08. I'm federal agent Jack Bauer and today is the longest day of my life.

We went for a walk. We went to the park. I tried inducing a nap by having her "race" me up a hill. She made it up and down twice before I got up the first time (wink, wink). We went out for a slice of pizza. I took exactly enough cash for two slices of pizza to prevent greedy-me from getting a whole one. Little did I know, they raised the price so I only had enough for one slice. She was nice enough to give me the pepperonis off of it. We went to the zoo. Oh yeah, all of this was on foot. We went somewhere else--can't remember--and then we finally came home. We went up to the roof to look at the sunset. We did everything a human being can possibly do...and now she's finally asleep.

So guess where I'm going.