Twilight...Hmph!

My wife is in the living room watching one of the Twilight movies. I don't know which one. It's the one where the girl is in love with the vampire and the werewolf at the same time and the werewolf wants to fight the vampire but they don't and then somebody wants to kill the girl but doesn't and then the girl wants to turn into a vampire but can't. Yeah, that one.

She said she wanted to look at something romantic. I don't know how Twilight fits into that. It's just a bunch of whiny ass people moping around despite having demigod powers. I suggested Titanic, which will always be my favorite romantic movie. It's hard to find a woman nowadays who'll jump out of a life boat and back onto a sinking ship to die with you. Although...if she'd stayed on the life boat, Leonardo DiCaprio probably would've found that hunk of wood after the ship sank and been able to get on by himself to survive.

But back to Twilight.... I can't get past the premise. I watched the first one because I thought it was an action/horror movie about a girl falling in love with a guy who turns out to be a vampire who tries to kill her for the rest of the movie. Kinda like a white version of Vampire in Brooklyn. Imagine my surprise.

Anyway, I couldn't get past the part about them being a family of vampires who travel from place to place every few years so that they can pass for high school students. Maybe I'm too logical, but I can't get past figuring out how that works. I have a kid who's about to start school next year. They want a birth certificate, social security card, utility bill, copy of my lease and immunization records to get her in the school. Some places are doing home visits to verify residency.

You expect me to believe that they just up and go somewhere else and get their 25 year old looking vampire kids into high school without any problems? How do you even get a job as a vampire? I would think that in this post 9/11 world where you need a urine sample just to get a library card that someone would notice that these people move every four years.

And then if I could play Joker for a second, "Why so serious?" The whole damned movie the guy is moping around because he's a vampire. And he's not even a real vampire. Sunlight doesn't kill them. Crosses and garlic don't do anything. I think I saw one of them praying so I'm guessing holy water is out. You are a real deal immortal and you're sad?

Do you know how many people in the world just died in the time it took for me to write this sentence? And not even from big stuff like gunshot wounds or floods. They died from little stuff like a paper cut that got infected.

People die because they're hungry and they happen to live in a place that doesn't specialize in food. You don't even need food to live. Hell, you don't need water. All you need is blood and not only are you okay, you're running through the forest jumping through trees. Blood is everywhere. You don't have to kill anybody. Just have a sip or two and keep it moving.

And what the hell is wrong with the girl who's the main character? I can understand why she wants to turn into a vampire. I'd sign up for that in heartbeat. You're telling me that I can walk the streets of DC at night and not worry about getting shot, stabbed or hit by a Metrobus? Sign me up! I just don't understand why she doesn't fix herself up first or something.

It's my understanding that you're stuck looking exactly the same once you turn. Well if that's the case then go fix yourself up first. Get in shape. Get some sun. Do a few squats or pushups or something. I'm not in the best shape right now. Don't think I wouldn't be doing some P90X or something for a few months and then turn into a vampire. Forever is  a long time to look 17. What clubs do you plan to be able to get into a hundred years from now?

And who in their right mind wants to do high school over and over and over for eternity? These are the dumbest vampires I've ever seen.