Nat(alie) Turner

My daughter started walking on Tax Day 2011 when she was just nine months old. It was a glorious moment for me. Not only did she beat my record of 10 months, but it meant that I now had an entry-level slave. Sure she wouldn't have all the bells and whistles of a teenage slave who can drive to the store to get you stuff, but she could do small tasks that I decided at that moment to become to lazy to do.

The last thirteen months have been awesome: Take this to mommy. Can you give me that off the floor? Put this in the trash. Hand me the remote. There's a new software update available for OS X, go ahead and install that for me.

But all good things must come to an end. Skynet is becoming self aware. She has this old lady thing she does when she wants something off the counter or out of the fridge. She'll walk up to you, grab your hand and say, "Come, come." That means that you're supposed to follow her and she'll lead you to where the thing she wants is located. She'll then hold her arms up which means, "Pick me up, stupid" and she'll grab what she wants. So how does this play into the slaves rebelling?

Yesterday I said, "Put this in the trashcan please." She looked at me, took the paper towel in one hand and then grabbed my hand with the other. She said, "Come, come." I followed her to the kitchen expecting her to ask for an apple out of the fridge or something. Instead she led me to the trashcan, then she pointed at it and said "Trashcan!" I thought we were playing our usual game of "Name that thing." I clapped and in my Gordon-from-Sesame-Street-voice said, "Yes, that's right. That is a trash can." She then handed me the paper towel, pointed at it again and said, "Trashcan!" She held my hand and pulled it over the top of the trash can as if to say "Drop the paper towel inside." I dropped the paper towel and then this child had the audacity to patronize me with a fake clap like I give her and said "Yay!" Then she ran away. I can't be sure but I think I heard her mumble under her breath, "You lazy son of a…"

War is coming.