Okay, I can wiggle my big toe now. The hard part is over. I truly think that writing about it would be very therapeutic, but some things should just remain private. It's hard to "watch the things you gave your life to, broken, and stoop and build em up with worn out tools." Even harder is the process of starting again at your beginnings and never breathing a word about your loss. I want to believe that there's dignity in that. There's gotta be something empowering about having the ability (and the right) to call people out on their mess and choosing not to do so.
Whatever the situation is, I'm taking it one day at a time. If there's one thing that I've learned over the years, it's that situations like these prove just how strong you are. Life threw something at me that broke things that I thought were indestructible...things that I thought were far stronger than me, yet here I am standing amongst the rubble intact. I'm stronger than I thought, and I know what I'm worth. Now I just have to pick up the pieces. (Cue Hustleman from Martin with the kazoo taped to the saxophone...Pick up the pieces!)
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Monday, January 28, 2013
Still Alive
I took some time off last week and I'm taking some more this week. I used to assume that most of the traffic here came from Facebook, but I didn't post anything last week and I still got quite a bit of hits. Thank you. I haven't quit the blog. I'm just dealing with life, I guess you could say. There are two ways to look at it:
1) Life sucks.
2) I'm getting more source material for future hilarious blog posts.
I prefer to believe it's the latter. I mean, be honest. You have to know that most of these stories I tell were originally a pain in the ass while they were happening. It takes time and a very "unique" perspective to be able to tell them with humor.
So right now I'm just processing and two movie quotes come to mind.
1) The Matrix Reloaded--That's for my existentialist side.
"Maybe we did something wrong."
"Or didn't do something."
"No, what happened, happened and couldn't have happened any other way."
"How do you know?"
"We are still alive."
2) Ghostbusters II--Who ever quotes this movie?
"Sometimes shit happens, someone has to deal with it, and who you gonna call?"
I'll be back...eventually.
1) Life sucks.
2) I'm getting more source material for future hilarious blog posts.
I prefer to believe it's the latter. I mean, be honest. You have to know that most of these stories I tell were originally a pain in the ass while they were happening. It takes time and a very "unique" perspective to be able to tell them with humor.
So right now I'm just processing and two movie quotes come to mind.
1) The Matrix Reloaded--That's for my existentialist side.
"Maybe we did something wrong."
"Or didn't do something."
"No, what happened, happened and couldn't have happened any other way."
"How do you know?"
"We are still alive."
2) Ghostbusters II--Who ever quotes this movie?
"Sometimes shit happens, someone has to deal with it, and who you gonna call?"
I'll be back...eventually.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
How Two Year Old Daddy's Girls Think
My daughter got hungry around 4:30, which is too close to dinner to give her a snack. After our encounter, I decided to jot down my interpretation of the voice that must play inside her head. Here it is, transcribed for your convenience:
I want a cracker.
Go ask Daddy for a cracker.
If Daddy says no, ask again.
If he says no twice, try one more time.
If he says no a third time, wait one minute and ask again.
If he says no the last time, walk to the kitchen and look to see if the crackers are still on the counter.
Come back into the living room and ask for a banana.
When Daddy goes to get the banana, which just happens to be next to the crackers, ask for a cracker.
Refuse the banana at all costs!
Whine.
If whining does not work, command exactly one tear to fall from right eye.
Whine with conviction.
If whining with conviction does not work, go sit in living room.
Ignore impulse to ask for cracker.
Wait two minutes then sit on Daddy's lap.
Say "hug"
Hug Daddy
Stand up, grab Daddy's hand and lead him into the kitchen.
Ignore his statement, "I'll follow you, but you're not getting a cracker."
Push him toward the stove, turn to refrigerator and open refrigerator door.
Say "chicken" and point to raw chicken on bottom shelf.
Wait for Daddy to think that I am really hungry.
Wait for Daddy to gauge his laziness.
Sit on couch and enjoy five crackers and a cup of water as Daddy returns to watching television.
I want a cracker.
Go ask Daddy for a cracker.
If Daddy says no, ask again.
If he says no twice, try one more time.
If he says no a third time, wait one minute and ask again.
If he says no the last time, walk to the kitchen and look to see if the crackers are still on the counter.
Come back into the living room and ask for a banana.
When Daddy goes to get the banana, which just happens to be next to the crackers, ask for a cracker.
Refuse the banana at all costs!
Whine.
If whining does not work, command exactly one tear to fall from right eye.
Whine with conviction.
If whining with conviction does not work, go sit in living room.
Ignore impulse to ask for cracker.
Wait two minutes then sit on Daddy's lap.
Say "hug"
Hug Daddy
Stand up, grab Daddy's hand and lead him into the kitchen.
Ignore his statement, "I'll follow you, but you're not getting a cracker."
Push him toward the stove, turn to refrigerator and open refrigerator door.
Say "chicken" and point to raw chicken on bottom shelf.
Wait for Daddy to think that I am really hungry.
Wait for Daddy to gauge his laziness.
Sit on couch and enjoy five crackers and a cup of water as Daddy returns to watching television.
Formula For Appreciation
Motivational speaker Tony Robbins has a formula for happiness that he shares in his seminars. I don't think I can share it here without being sued, so I came up with my own that I'll gladly share with you now. I call it Ordale's Formula For Appreciation.
Ordale's Formula For Appreciation
Paycheck-($100 Rent Increase +"Over the Fiscal Cliff" payroll tax increase+Verizon "upgrade" fees+Vehicle registration renewal)= Appreciation
By following my formula, you too can learn to appreciate whatever meat is on sale at the grocery store. Can you believe that just five years ago I turned my nose up at the slightly discolored ground beef with the giant $2.00 OFF (Today Only) sticker? I know, crazy! Back then I was lost. I didn't live with a 35 pound two year old who, while advertised to only have a stomach the size of a small fist, secretly bears the soul of a hungry-hungry hippo.
Luckily, fate found me and rescued me from the shackles of disposable income. I now appreciate every single dollar that I find in the pocket of an old coat and I respect the rarity and majesty of an ATM that gives out fives. I'm a changed man. A better man. I don't see week-old meat. I see the unpredictability of life. Is it a chance to feed my family on a budget or a chance to get to know my medical provider better?
Appreciation, ladies and gentlemen. It's the name of the game. I just hope that I don't forget all that I've learned next month when the payroll taxes go back to normal and the registration renewal fees are just a distant memories. May I never turn my nose up at roll of the dice meat again.
Namaste!
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Metro...Les Miserables
Like most "inner city" children, I went my entire life without the slightest clue about Les Miserables. I knew it was a play because there was a big ad for it on the page opposite the movie showtimes in the Style section of The Washington Post. With my elementary level Spanish, I took a stab at translating the French title to "The Miserables." I guessed that it was about a bunch of unhappy people. After seeing the trailer over the holiday weekend, I think I was right. Good job junior-high-school-me!
Speaking of the trailer...It was the first time I ever heard that song "I Dreamed A Dream." My wife told me I'm slow, but my knowledge of show tunes doesn't extend beyond It's A Hard Knock Life and I'll give you one guess as to when I first heard that. Just to show how strangely my mind works, as soon as I heard the song I thought about the metro. Part of my PowerPoint presentation to convince my wife to move up here was dedicated to transportation. "We don't even need a car! You can get everywhere on the metro and it's extremely reliable!"
I dreamed a dream of days gone by.
When hope was high.
Metro now charges you a dollar if you use a paper fare card. Not a dollar for the card. They charge you a dollar for every trip that you take using that paper card. When I left this city, the base fare was $1.10. It's now $1.70. But, the sixty cent increase does come with perks. There's now a gym inside most metro station--A stair machine actually. It's called "Club Escalator/Elevator Outage." During the summer months, they convert 50% of their cars into saunas, so that's a plus for the Bikram Yoga crowd. I'm not a big fan of their self defense classes. They're kinda advanced and they really just throw you into it without warning.
My all-time favorite though...the enrichment programs. You don't really appreciate how little time you have on this earth until you're stuck in a station or tunnel due to a "situation up ahead." Take this morning, for example. There was a 40 minute "delay" due to a switch malfunction. They really need a thesaurus down at WMATA headquarters. Delay sounds too nice. On the other hand...detainment, hindrance, obstruction. Those sound perfect! If I'm stuck in a tunnel for an hour, that's not a delay. That's imprisonment or captivity.
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed
Speaking of the trailer...It was the first time I ever heard that song "I Dreamed A Dream." My wife told me I'm slow, but my knowledge of show tunes doesn't extend beyond It's A Hard Knock Life and I'll give you one guess as to when I first heard that. Just to show how strangely my mind works, as soon as I heard the song I thought about the metro. Part of my PowerPoint presentation to convince my wife to move up here was dedicated to transportation. "We don't even need a car! You can get everywhere on the metro and it's extremely reliable!"
I dreamed a dream of days gone by.
When hope was high.
Metro now charges you a dollar if you use a paper fare card. Not a dollar for the card. They charge you a dollar for every trip that you take using that paper card. When I left this city, the base fare was $1.10. It's now $1.70. But, the sixty cent increase does come with perks. There's now a gym inside most metro station--A stair machine actually. It's called "Club Escalator/Elevator Outage." During the summer months, they convert 50% of their cars into saunas, so that's a plus for the Bikram Yoga crowd. I'm not a big fan of their self defense classes. They're kinda advanced and they really just throw you into it without warning.
My all-time favorite though...the enrichment programs. You don't really appreciate how little time you have on this earth until you're stuck in a station or tunnel due to a "situation up ahead." Take this morning, for example. There was a 40 minute "delay" due to a switch malfunction. They really need a thesaurus down at WMATA headquarters. Delay sounds too nice. On the other hand...detainment, hindrance, obstruction. Those sound perfect! If I'm stuck in a tunnel for an hour, that's not a delay. That's imprisonment or captivity.
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed
Monday, January 14, 2013
10 Signs That You Have A Small Child
In no particular order
1. You catch yourself unconsciously singing cartoon theme songs when you're alone.
2. The absence of a car seat is the thing that tips you off that you're walking up to the wrong car.
3. You've become accustomed to not eating food while it's still hot.
4. Sleep?
5. You know at least one board book by heart.
6. Glory be to Elmo.
7. You either spell things a lot or use synonyms because someone is listening.
8. Silence makes you suspicious.
9. You're critical of every labor and delivery scene in movies, especially the squeaky clean 6 month olds they pass off as newborns.
10. If none of the above applies to you, there's a 75% chance that you're probably paying child support.
1. You catch yourself unconsciously singing cartoon theme songs when you're alone.
2. The absence of a car seat is the thing that tips you off that you're walking up to the wrong car.
3. You've become accustomed to not eating food while it's still hot.
4. Sleep?
5. You know at least one board book by heart.
6. Glory be to Elmo.
7. You either spell things a lot or use synonyms because someone is listening.
8. Silence makes you suspicious.
9. You're critical of every labor and delivery scene in movies, especially the squeaky clean 6 month olds they pass off as newborns.
10. If none of the above applies to you, there's a 75% chance that you're probably paying child support.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Think Like A Man
So I finally got around to watching Think Like A Man. Meh. It was okay. I'm not really into romantic comedies, but if I had actually paid to see it in the theater, I wouldn't have been bored. Considering it had a shoestring budget, I think it was very well executed. A $12 million budget these days will get you a movie shot on betamax and the sound mixed on a My First Sony. I did laugh out loud at one part that had nothing to do with the movie really.
Halfway through I thought to myself, "Wow, they really made a black movie without Morris Chestnut. He's like Microsoft Works. I thought he came preinstalled with every black cast." Act II, who climbs out of a Porsche? Ricky! Climbing out of the car he could've been driving if only he'd scratched those lottery tickets in the store.
So anyway, not a bad movie. It definitely left me with some...observations. The kind where you won't be able to stay married nine years if you don't learn to keep to yourself. I'll just say this: Taraji P. Henson is 42 years old. Regina Hall (the girl from Scary Movie) is 41. Gabrielle Union is 40. Infer from that what you will. I need to change my diet. At 30, I look about 44 and a half.
In other news, my grandmother has a copy of that book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like A Man. I don't even wanna know.
Halfway through I thought to myself, "Wow, they really made a black movie without Morris Chestnut. He's like Microsoft Works. I thought he came preinstalled with every black cast." Act II, who climbs out of a Porsche? Ricky! Climbing out of the car he could've been driving if only he'd scratched those lottery tickets in the store.
So anyway, not a bad movie. It definitely left me with some...observations. The kind where you won't be able to stay married nine years if you don't learn to keep to yourself. I'll just say this: Taraji P. Henson is 42 years old. Regina Hall (the girl from Scary Movie) is 41. Gabrielle Union is 40. Infer from that what you will. I need to change my diet. At 30, I look about 44 and a half.
In other news, my grandmother has a copy of that book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like A Man. I don't even wanna know.
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