Why May?

Well, I'm back from the dead...again.

May has been an incredibly shitty month for me. Let's go through the timeline.

End of April- Dentist tells me that going two years without a visit has left me with six cavities.

1st Week of May- Dentist plays Steve Martin from Little Shop of Horrors and leaves me with a category 5 headache and jaw-ache that lasts for four days. He schedules an appointment for the following week to fill the teeth on the other side of my mouth.

2nd Week of May- Even though everything in me is telling me that it'd be less painful to just pull my own teeth with a pair of tongs and that thing you use to pick the meat out of crab legs, I go back for round two. The dentist tries FOUR times to numb me and finally decides to "just go for it." He then has a mild nervous breakdown when his equipment malfunctions mid-procedure and starts cursing at the dental tech while wielding a drill in my mouth. For not trembling in fear, the gods reward me with balls of steel that will become a thing of legend to be talked about in song around a campfire.

3rd Week of May--The pain of the dental appointment wears off the night before I wake up with semi-paralysis. That morning my arms and legs won't move for an hour and once I'm finally able to move enough to get out of bed, I find that I don't have enough strength to open my bedroom door. My wife touches my arm to help me walk and I scream in pain as if I'm being stabbed. Apparently "whatever this is" not only causes the previously mentioned symptoms but also causes extreme sensitivity to touch.

4th Week of May-- I'm admitted to the hospital with an unknown condition that the doctors assume is an auto-immune disease but is later diagnosed as--wait for it--a "simple" viral infection. The doctor casually explains (while I grimace in pain) that "some people catch viruses similar to the flu and they exhibit cold-like symptoms in addition to mild muscle pain. You, on the other hand, have no cold symptoms, instead the virus is targeting your entire musculoskeletal system. The slightest touch feels like you're being stabbed and you have very little strength in your limbs. It'll go away in a few weeks."

5th Week of May--I'm out of the hospital, I can walk and move again and it doesn't feel like I'm being stabbed to death. I decide to write a blog post explaining to my three readers why I've been MIA.