Fully Insured

[Doing the Ice Cream Dance from Eddie Murphy Delirious]

I got insurance! I got insurance! I'm gonna use it all. I'm gonna use it all! You don't have insurance. You didn't get none. Cuz you are on the welfare. You can't afford it!

There is nothing more humbling than celebrating something that you used to take for granted. As you know, it's been one HELL of a year, but I'm still here. A friend of mine, and frequent reader, "E.G.," put a status on Facebook yesterday that said something along the lines of life throwing her a lot of curve balls, but God giving her a bat and teaching her to swing. I can relate, but I take it a step further. Life threw me two curve balls before hitting me with a beanball on the last pitch. God gave me a bat alright, but I'm not using it to hit a ball. Me and the pitcher (Life) are about to have a conversation about righteous indignation.

So anyway, back to my ice cream dance. I got insurance! I got insurance! So, you know...I got divorced. There's this crazy rule that you can't stay on someone's family insurance if you're not actually in their family anymore. (Where do they come up with this stuff?) I anticipated that before I filed, and applied for health insurance with my old employer. Ain't no love in the heart of the city...

I used to be the one to tell people that their coverage was been denied. "Sir, you stated on your application that you're 200 lbs overweight, smoke two packs a day, have 5-7 drinks a day, engage in unprotected sex with multiple partners, and you have several surgeries scheduled in the near future. You're gonna die. We can't cover you." If I were in that category, then I'd expect someone to sing me the same song. Here's the conversation that I had with the underwriter:
Me: Hi, my insurance application was denied. Before I appeal, I wanted to talk to you about it.
Her: Based on these things, I don't see an appeal going in your favor.
Me: Why?
Her: You have a history of heart disease.
Me: No. I had heart surgery to remove an accessory pathway. They removed it five years ago. The condition is gone. It can't grow back or anything. It's like having Lasik surgery on your eyes.
Her: Doesn't matter. There is a history of a heart issue. Plus you're morbidly obese.
Me: No I'm not! I weigh 180.
Her: That's considered obese for your height.
Me: It's muscle mass. I run 3-5 miles a day. I lift weights. My blood pressure has always been exactly 120/80. I have a resting heartbeat in the 40s. If you send out a nurse, she can verify my body fat percentage.
Her: We don't send out nurses or do medical verification. Finally, you have a history of mental illness.
Me: WHAT!?
Her: You have used mental health benefits in the past.
Me: I went to a marriage counselor before I decided to file for divorce! The benefit is charged under mental health, but it's not an illness.
Her: Any mental health usage is considered a suicide risk.
Me: Are you kidding me?

They gave me the option to take a different plan where everything, including office visits and prescriptions, would apply to a $10,000 deductible. This plan was $1,000 a month. After I read that I decided to devote my life to the used bookstore downtown, more specifically the old medical school textbooks section. I had already decided to start by making my own flu shot this weekend (vinegar, saline solution, three drops of Dayquil, and two drops of Lysol) when I got the email a few minutes ago saying that another company accepted my application.

So now I am doing my happy dance.

[youtube=http://youtu.be/2JfMCBh1sJQ?t=1m39s]