Dear Internet,
I'm writing this because no one else believes me. Maybe after I'm gone the news will google me and find this entry. I put my daughter in her high chair and gave her a cut-up banana. She wanted me to give her my spaghetti, to which I responded aloud, "I suggest you eat that banana and drink that milk. If the banana is not to your liking, you are welcome to contact our regional manager, Mommy, when she gets home."
It's hard to describe in words what happened next, but I'm gonna do my best. You know the Black woman eye-roll? Take that and add it to that weird looking Jigsaw doll from the movie Saw and that's what my daughter did. It was kind of like, "Nigga what?" but at the same time kind of sadistic like, "Don't go to sleep." She did it twice and then started laughing.
Now she's only 13 months old. I am so close to safe dropping her at the hospital, but my wife won't let me. So, I'm taking alternative measures. I'm in foreign territory because exorcisms never happen with ghetto kids, so I'm trying to improvise. I figure regular holy water won't work, so I put some unopened packs of Kool-Aid inside a bible for ten minutes. I mixed that up and I'm gonna pour it in her sippy cup. I also thought about putting a picture of TD Jakes up over her crib, but if she bursts into flames inside the house our renter's insurance might not cover it.
I'm scared, so if you see on the news where a 29 year old man was bludgeoned to death by a Glow Worm and the police have no leads...please point them in the direction of this website.
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